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Life Story #38
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I was born on June 7, 1951 in Iowa. My astro profile is a Gemini Sun with a Cancer Moon.
My parents moved the family to Minnesota before my 5th birthday and I spent my childhood years there. My mother’s role in the marriage was as a lightsider victim. My dad was the selfish controlling darkside type. Rarely did she ever see any of the paychecks he earned and when she questioned him about not being able to see them he would become quite nasty with his mouth and body language. She got a job and made the house payments and most other expenses. He would help out but it was a struggle for her to get money from him. Basically she put up with it and stuck her head in the sand. She was an excellent mom; always there for us (me and my younger brother). She was upbeat, usually cheery and everything was always going to be all right. Years later, after the divorce, I asked her why she stayed married so long knowing all along what he was really like. She said that she was afraid of what people would think about a woman who wasn’t able to hold on to her man. Most of the time she kept her true feelings hidden and took a lot of Victorian crap and anger with her to the grave.
He was wine, women and song all the way. His life was spent in bars and having fun with his buddies fishing and hunting. An absent father, he was rarely home. When he was around on the weekends it was because he was low on money or sports. A couch potato, he would drink beer all day and monopolize the t.v. with mainly football and other sports – all day long and into the night if they were on that long. Things that happened at the dinner table are too numerous to mention other than he literally was a walking talking bar room in his mannerisms and speech. Years later, after their divorce, he told her that he knew he didn’t want to get married when they were walking down the isle together. When she asked him why he went through with it he said he was afraid of what her parents would say if he had backed out of it. I always felt better when he was gone.
My brother and I have always been more or less at each other’s throats since we were young children. A mutual friend of ours once said to us that we were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum from each other. Truer words were never spoken. He was the high school football star, very, very rowdy, into all sporting events on TV and still is. His chief feature for most of his life has been revenge. Sibling rivalry and jealousy towards me has never left him. His type “A” personality has propelled him to the top of his chosen field in life (to his credit) and once in a while I get reminded of this. Some of his former friends were the largest drug dealers our geographic area had ever seen at the time. Always the extrovert, fun, partying and heavy drinking are still part of his life. Today it truly concerns his family (married with children) and it has taken its toll on his health.
I couldn’t be more different. I’m introspective and quiet. I have always been one to watch and observe and rather silent in speech. I like to read and think about things; I am always somewhere inside my head thinking about something. There is always something going on in my head. It keeps me very busy and physically towards the thin side. I can handle being by myself and after the military I became more or less a loner. But that’s OK with me because I enjoy it that way. I don’t drink much if at all and I don’t like bars. I couldn’t be more different than all of them. My rising sign is Scorpio. I like being secretive (by degrees) and people have often mentioned to me that I “hibernate” too much.
One early childhood experience is thoroughly embedded in my memory. I will be as delicate as possible with this information. I was very young, probably not over age four, maybe younger. My dad and I were visiting some people in their home. I had not at this time been completely toilet trained. I was very afraid of falling into the bowl. Nature called and I retired to the bathroom where I took a dump upon the bathroom carpet. The bathroom door opens and in walks my dad apparently checking up on me. Seeing my calling card he turned and shut the door behind him. He pushed me down on the floor, pulled a handful of paper off the roll and scooping up the turd, began to smear it into my face. It was in my mouth, eyes, nose, hair, ears, everywhere. While this was going on I had my first psychic experience. I remember my head lowered and all I could do was just sit there and shut my eyes. Everything went black and cloudy. Then I saw a perfectly round bright ball of red fire. The ball of fire began to freefall straight down trailing dark brown plumes of smoke. It moved at what seemed a steady speed, no faster when it began than when it finally became a little red dot and disappeared. I opened my eyes and raised my head as he began to clean me up. He could be rough – in mannerisms (!) and speech.
Sports and religion
I hated football and disliked sports in general after having it shoved down my throat one weekend after another. There were frequent fights in the neighborhood. Some of the kids in the area joined a boxing club and I joined with them. I was tall for my age but skinny. In my first ring fight I was paired with a kid 50 lbs heavier than me. That was my last fight. I had no heart for boxing. The same thing with Little League Baseball. Three summers straight I joined the team and after the first few games I would get discouraged quit and run. Team sports with the heavy competition and egos brought up within me only anger and bitter disappointment.
Religion: Some of the kids in the neighborhood were devout Catholics – serious minded about it too. It was tough being around them at times. I just wasn’t quite as good as they were or so it seemed. They asked us to join them selling peanuts in the stands at a pro-baseball game one weekend. It was sponsored by a church charity organization they were connected with. After the game was over we drove back to the church to drop off the proceeds. I got bored and started walking around. I heard some sounds from one of the rooms. The door was ajar so I pushed it open and walked inside. The minister, all dressed out in his black robes and my friends dad were standing in front of a desk stirring drinks, staring into each others eyes and not saying a word. They both turned their heads and looked at me and remained silent. I got frightened. I knew that I had walked in on something that I was not supposed to have seen. I was very startled. I left the room immediately. I consider this my first experience with evil. Sinister at best. A priest? Drinking hard liquor over ice? Priests, ministers, bibles, church – none of it did I ever trust again. It was a personal signpost for my life.
My second experience with the church was much less harsh. It happened at home. I hated Sunday school. I would get depressed on Saturday just thinking about Sunday morning. One Sunday morning I talked my way out of it. I said to her that I didn’t want to go and if she would let me stay home I promised to watch one of the church shows on t.v. I pleaded and pleaded and held my ground. She finally relented and I got to stay home. Victory! When they returned from church I asked her this question: “Mom, if dad doesn’t have to go to church why do we have to”? She then raised her arms to form a “T” then dropped them both to her sides slapping the palm of her hands against her legs as her head lowered bouncing her chin against her chest and exclaimed: “ That’s It”!
From that time on I was free from the church experience.
These are the experiences that I remember that have the most significance concerning my childhood years. All of these episodes happened from about age 3 ½ to about 9. It pretty much puts all these events within the first Uranus cycle from 0 to 7.
Religion is a loop that I have not had any serious struggle with in this incarnation. I quite easily put it down very early on and that tells me I must have formally ended this loop before this incarnation began.
Seven Year Cycle : Age 7 to 14
We moved from Minnesota in December of 1963 just one month after the Kennedy assassination. My dad had always wanted to live in California. All the foolin around he was involved in started to catch up with him and finally affected his job to such an extent that his boss came over to the house one day to talk to mom. He wanted her to talk some sense into him because the company was going to fire him if he didn’t straighten up. Whatever developed as a result of this talk I don’t know. I guess nothing changed. He was adamant about the move and that’s what finally happened. They made a vacation out of it. The only site seeing stop that I remember was the Alamo in Texas. The trek took two weeks and I was sick as a dog the entire time. I was a very sensitive kid emotionally and physically and I did not want to go to California. I think I was frightened of everything at this time in my life.
We landed in the Los Angeles area of California where I finished the last half of the 7th grade. About L.A. we all had one thing in common – couldn’t stand the heat. So in the summer of 1964 we moved to Northern California on the San Francisco Peninsula. I began and finished the 8th grade there. I was also a kid that was easily led. I didn’t have the ability to say no and really mean what I was saying. I couldn’t say no to the group and wound up involved in some petty criminal acts. The kids I associated with were basically from broken homes themselves and like me suffered the absence of fathers. They asked to go with them one weekend and we wound up in a department store parking lot shaking the parking meters for money. A cop was walking the lot and chased us off. Another time we took pop bottles from the rear of a store and walked around to the front door and returned them again. These experiences didn’t last long as we abruptly moved again.
My mother had a very good friend who also lived in California. Her name was Lila. She and her brother, Glen, invited us to move in with them and it would get me away from the people I had been hanging with. We did so and lived there for the next four years, which were my high school years. So there we were six people living in a two bedroom one bath home. My dad soon rented an apartment of his own and we saw him about once a week or so.
With my dad usually not around, Glen decided to become a “step-daddy” of sorts and life at home could get rather turbulent. A few weeks after we moved in my brother and I were playing catch in the back yard with a baseball. Glen walked out and told us to stop. He was concerned that we would break a window. I said ok and gently tossed the ball back to my brother. I suppose that was more than he could handle. The next thing I knew I was flat on my back and in a daze. I was no match for this 34 year old man (I was in my 14th year) and soon found myself on my back again in a worse daze. Before I could get back up he charged at me with a full speed run and jumped into the air with his knees to his chest aiming both heels at my face. As I opened my eyes this is what I saw descending toward me. I had not time to so much as focus a thought when suddenly my arm was straight out in front of me with a closed fist; the blow caught him directly between the eyebrows where the nose joins the forehead and sent him sailing through the air in an arcing pattern. His shoulders and the back of his head hit against the side of the house about three feet above the ground; he fell dead weight into the grass, legs apart. He lay there 6 to 8 seconds without moving, I was walking away and he jumped on me again. The fight continued for a few more minutes until the adults came home and broke it up. He never bothered me again physically after that but there were lots of shouting matches. The guy was an asshole and we never got along. The Author has mentioned that if something is not supposed to happen to us, which would impede our path, that by the rules of the game the H.S. can and will intervene. I had no conscious control in moving my arm. I had nothing to do with it.
At age 14 I started smoking cigarettes.
Seven Year Cycle: age 15 to 21
High school is what you make it. I was a fifty percenter. I did what I had to and got by academically. I liked being around people but the schoolwork I disliked intensely. I was a mentally lazy kid. 350 people graduated from our senior class and I was about #300. If daydreaming and fantasies paid a good wage I would be the CEO. I was a non-participant. I didn’t like sports and stayed away from all of them. I only went to the junior prom and senior ball, that was it.
My girl friend went to a private catholic girls school and we dated on and off for about two years. For a while we were madly in love with each other. She began to change and I did not. I wanted things to stay the same. Several times we broke up and dated other people including each other’s friends. Part of my seemingly inability to form a true and lasting relationship with a woman is that I felt odd being around them-a bit uncomfortable even at the high school level. Fear? I think so. I was inhibited and fearful of saying the “wrong” thing and not being right, correct and proper. I was 17 when I made the decision that I did not want any children of my own. I knew that I didn’t want the responsibility. I didn’t want anything to do with it yet I continued to play the game.
She was a high maintenance female. Her dad was an Ophthalmologist with a going practice in San Francisco. She was beautiful and probably still is – and she knew it.
I wanted a bubble around the two of us and nobody else allowed – a nice protective bubble. She would attempt to break out and I would pull her back in. This was a symptom of my many and varied dependency issues. I was completely dependent upon her for emotional support and to be saved and as a result I allowed myself to be used and abused quite a bit. It was a rocky road, on and off for about 2 years. I didn’t want kids-she did. I wasn’t catholic-she was. We never talked about money, career, death, taxes, friends, religion, ect. We were too young. She would say to me that I never talked to her. True. I didn’t talk to her because I didn’t know how to communicate at all. I knew I hurt inside but I didn’t know how to get it out to her or anybody else. I really gave myself away to this girl, heart and emotions. I don’t know if she realized this but I did. If I had her – I was “somebody”. She said to me one time that she didn’t like the way I treated her. So I asked her how she wanted to be treated and she said “like a queen”. I don’t recall what I said in return but I don’t think it was too much. In my understanding at the time it meant that things were going to get very expensive. M5G covers the “queen” issues quite well and when I first read the books it instantly reminded me of my experiences with her. Basic respect and decency for ones marriage partner is a common sense issue but it was the way she spoke the words and the look on her face while doing so that me a little suspect. This relationship never would have worked.
I started drinking at about age 15 as it was the cool thing to do. A friend of mine who dropped out and enlisted in the army at 17 during the jr. year came home on leave. We went to the Fillmore West one weekend evening and drank beer and popped “reds”. He drank beer and then dropped a tab of acid. He was in worse shape than I was when we decided to go so I drove home. We developed a flat tire on the streets and got lost. I remember making a right turn, both sides of the street were lined with cars and I hit at least 8 to10 of them before we got to the end of the block. This gives you some insight into my activities in high school.
In 1969 I graduated high school. I had three choices, job, college, military. One afternoon I sat down thinking about these choices. I don’t know what made me relax and lean back into the chair and shut my eyes but I did. After a couple of minutes I asked myself “Should I go into the military/Vietnam”? Within another minute or so a vision appeared in the form of a flat black granite stone that filled my entire field of vision. I stared at it intently and thought to myself “I’m not going to Vietnam”. I opened my eyes and was very surprised that this had happened yet it seemed so normal and natural and so real. Above all it was so easy. It was at least several years after the Vietnam memorial was built that I recalled the day the vision occurred and realized that I may very well have seen the black granite wall that was to be built in the future, but there were no names etched into it yet. Amazing.
I had to get out of the house I was living in. I enlisted in the airforce for four years. Six weeks after high school I was in basic training in Texas and two weeks after I got there a couple of training instructors were putting me through a severe ass chewing for some miniscule fuck up and had me crying like a baby at the chow hall with every seat at every table filled. I was so embarrassed and scared I almost soiled my shorts.Aircraft maintenance tech. School followed. During the last week we had some time off and a bunch of us started drinking beer. I had only one or two and I began to shake uncontrollably. They called me a cab and I went to the base hospital. The physician asked me a few questions and had me lay down on a table and gave me a shot. I don’t know what I looked like at the time but I remember hearing a nurse begin to weep.
This is what I was really feeling like inside. I was an emotional basket case. I don’t think I had any business being in the military. It may well have been a wrong choice but that’s the rocky road for ya!
My first duty station was in the California desert. I made it home one weekend and borrowed my mother’s car to return to the base with the understanding that I would return with it the following weekend. On the return trip a front tire blew out and I lost control of the vehicle. It rolled three times and came to a stop right side up. The seat belt held me in place. The miraculous thing about it is during all the rolling everything in the car was flying around like shrapnel. My eyes were wide open and I watched the entire event and it was all in slow motion. Not one of these flying objects touched my body. I opened the door and walked away. Not a scratch. Only Higher Self intervention could have kept me from being seriously hurt.
After two years in the desert I was sent to Iceland. The airman’s club at this base was called the animal locker. I’m at the bar early one evening and feeling lonelier than lonely and bored stiff. I decided to leave and walked back to my room. When I got there I drank another beer. Being in my room alone was worse than it was in the bar so I walked back. When I got there the entire club was silent and part of the lighting in the building had been shut off and it was quiet as an empty church. There was a marine standing in the doorway of an emergency exit with a .45 ACP in his hand with the hammer cocked and he just stared at me never saying a word. I walked past him and entered the bar. The place had been demolished. I walked through the broken glass and passed the overturned tables and chairs to where the bartender was standing at the end of the bar. His left eye was swollen shut and badly bruised. He had been hit in the face with a beer mug. He could hardly talk. He told me that the fight was racially motivated and once it started the whole place erupted. About 100 people were involved, 17 of them taken to the hospital on gurneys. It made the news stateside and my parents sent me a copy of the newspaper article.About ½ hour had passed since I left the club and returned. Once again, H.S. intervention literally kept me out of harms way. This event really made an impression on me. I did, while walking back to my room, realize that I had actually been removed from the bar before the brawl occurred.
Seven Year Cycle at age 21 – this happened on Christmas eve of 1971 which puts it six months from my 21st birthday. I guess that’s close enough.
Seven Year Cycle age 22 – 28
I was discharged from the military in 1973 and returned home. My parents finally divorced that same year. I moved in with my Mother and brother for a while. I continued to bar hop and play the game for another two years not doing anything with my life. At age 24 I decided to put a stop to it and entered Alcoholics Anonymous, as I had become, typically, an emotional basket case. This occupied my life and times for the next 12 years to the exclusion of just about all else. Good! If I needed anything it was nurturing. I got plenty of it there and some “tough love” to boot. This is the time period that my spiritual search began starting with the Higher Power concept of the A.A. program and continued to include numerous psychic readings, any spiritual book I found interesting – basically new age stuff. I joined the Rosicrucian Order and under their monograph instruction began meditating using their recommended white light techniques. As M5G mentions this is not a wise thing to do. It really does send out a beacon to the dark side astral entities to come and “get” you. One night they did come for me and quite unexpectedly. I was in a hotel room in a different city staying over night. When I checked into the room it was slightly dark as the curtains were drawn and as I threw my bags on the bed I noticed a darkness in the far corner of the room. It had the constancy of the snowy pattern when the TV stations used to go off the air. It was almost not perceptible. It moved slightly and I think that is the only reason I was able to spot it. When I got in bed that night I noticed how dark the room was. I held up my hand in front of my face and could not see it. It just seemed odd so I went sleep. I woke up later and found myself involved in a struggle with something that was pulling me out of my body through my top chakra. The more I fought this thing the stronger it became. Finally I had to let go and I found myself in this space I can only call darker than dark and emptier than empty – nothing, in and of itself, was absent. It began to growl, shriek, scream and doing all sorts of things to rattle my cage. I then focused in meditation and asked divine love to help me (this was my highest concept at the time) and a gold colored arc (electrical?) zapped through the space we were in and slammed into this thing and it exploded into little pieces. All was quiet for a while and I decided to return to my room. I descended back into my body and the dark in the room was gone. Through the closed curtains I could see the security lights glowing. My body was soaking wet; the sheets were clinging to my skin like bandages. I smiled and went back to sleep. I’m sure now that using white light set this whole thing up. Haven’t used it since. I’m no longer a member of that organization. Once again (now that I know better) my Higher Self was there to help me out.
A friend of mine died. One night after going to bed, 3 days later, I asked the universe in a whisper that if there was anything that I could do for her, if she needed any help or assistance in any way, that I was available for that purpose. Sometime during the night I found myself standing in front of her. I reached out and laid my hand on her shoulder and instantly her eyes sparkled and her body shuddered slightly as we made eye contact. I couldn’t think of anything to say to her so I just smiled. There was an open doorway behind her and I could see into the room. There was a carpeted center isle with rows of tables perpendicular to its entire length. The people at the tables were all standing straight and tall, waiting for her to enter the room. Their faces were completely obscured by white clouds from the neck up; identification impossible. She turned her head to the right, saw the doorway and walked over to it. The doorway was small. She had to bend her head down and turn slightly sideways to get into the room. Once inside the room she turned and walked to the right and out of my view. The silence was awe-inspiring. I shut my eyes and gently found myself back in my room.
On another occasion I woke one night and was watching myself, in the form of a comet, shooting around the night sky over the city of San Francisco. Then I actually became the comet and while over Fisherman’s Warf saw a section of this area in flames. A few seconds passed and I was back in my body and opening my eyes.
My most heartfelt desire beginning in this 7-year time period was to seek “god” and gain in spiritual awareness and ability. I wanted nothing else. I also didn’t care anything about this world and wanted none of its responsibilities. I bitched a lot and procrastinated about everything. The above experiences are only a few of the OB’s that happened. When they started to occur it changed me a great deal. I knew that I had been right about my decision toward religion and that no intermediary (alleged jesus) was needed to get to “god” because now I could do this for myself. But now I really didn’t know what it was that I had been “praying “ to all this time. What was it that was out there and how do I get to it? After awhile I had to let it all go for lack of answers and settled for the experiences in and of themselves. I considered this a major feat of accomplishment and knew that nothing was, as it seems to be.
Seven Year Cycle at age 28 – the entire time period was filled with psychic/spiritual experiences and great changes in understanding and awareness and trying to put it all together.
Seven Year Cycle: Age 29 to 35
The big question in my life was that I felt very different about myself because of the OB/psychic events. I couldn’t get them out of my mind and really didn’t want to. I didn’t like the world the way it was. Why me and what do I do with all this stuff?
While driving to work one morning I was listening to the Moody Blues/ 7th Sojourn tape. They incorporated vowel sounds into some of the songs and I sang out loud along with the tape. While doing this I could feel myself becoming stronger and more energized/powerful and happier. This is the best I can do to describe it. When I walked into the shop there was only one person in the shop area and as I approached him his eyes widened and his jaw dropped opening his mouth. He looked shocked and surprised but in a good way. “What’s the matter”, I said. He answered “It’s YOU! I didn’t say anything back to him that I can remember. Singing along with the tape on the way to work must have expanded my auric field considerably and he must have been able to feel it on the other side of the room. I must have been glowing like a light bulb from his perspective. He was standing 25 feet away from me at the time. Once again – amazing.
I met this woman and we lived together for about 18 months. Sex was not very good with her and not very frequent. I’m sure she would say the same about me. She said to me one time that all she really wanted to do was to get through her masters program on a full time basis and not have to work. This is what I wound up doing for her and this was the real reason for the relationship all along, under the pretense of “love” and an eventual marriage. I ran out of money before she finished school. We argued about it one day and mutually decided that it was time for her to go. It wasn’t much of an argument and she had another place in less than a week. I had seen this coming so it was a tearless experience. I was glad and relieved when she was gone.
Other than this relationship I have never had a live in woman before or since. I have always been more comfortable being by myself. There have been other relationships of course but only short duration – a two week affair once and a lot of one night stands that were fun but never went any further. There is another side to the coin however and that is my own inhibitions in sexual matters. I have had a lot of women approach me and I either put them off or just ran away in fear. I am always wondering about these life situations; is it cowardice on my part or the battle between body orientation and spiritual control? Since reading M5G I think that is the key factor here and may have been that all along, body vs. spirit. My brain/body has constantly said different though constantly attacking me with thoughts of physical inadequacy and incompetence on my part. It is a reoccurring pattern and has been all along and therefore it has been a serious loop. When I start getting negative with myself it is very easy to shut it off because of the understanding M5 has given me.
I have never had a gay relationship before. I have fantasized/thought about it before though. While driving in the city one day I was approaching the major gay district and while at least 1 mile out I began to sense the energy being generated from the area. The closer I got to it the stronger it became. It was sensual and comfortable to me. I hope this part of the story doesn’t sound too fantastic, but it did happen.Maybe I’m in the closet, maybe I’m not. What jumps out at me in this point of the writing is the information from The Author concerning limbo lifetimes; that they are transitional lives that occur between one sexual level and the next higher one and that they can be very difficult. There has been a lot of inconsistency with women yet there is no strong pull toward men other than what has been very noticeable to me by the above experiences. I’m open to any and all possibilities at this point. The main point is that I came into this world in a heterosexual mode and may be ready for a change.
Seven Year Cycle at age 35 – a continuing increasing awareness spiritually and sexually.
Seven Year Cycle age 36 – 42.
At age 41 a lift I was on changing light bulbs in a basketball court at the top part of a domed ceiling collapsed and I fell 2 and 1/2 stories to the hardwood floor breaking both my heel bones. 13 days in the hospital, 2 surgeries and 3 months in physical therapy.
Seven Year Cycle age 43 – 49.
I bought a condo and moved in. I got politically motivated and stopped signing 1040’s and the California 540 tax forms. The letter writing campaign lasted 4 1/2 years. Ultimately I lost. I don’t recommend that anyone do what I did. But I had to learn and so I did. To take on the dark side by myself was a real big endeavor. At the time I knew nothing about our money system corruption or how deep it went. Politically also. I learned as I went – and got broke.
About the time the government was dropping the anvil on me my Mother became ill with cancer. I moved in with her and became her primary care giver for the last 4 years of her life. There were some difficult times as my brother was the executor of the trust, but overall it went very well. I would not have had it any other way. She was more aware and advanced than the other members of my family were (in my sometimes not so humble opinion) and she freely shared her own spiritual experiences with me. She was not in fear of death. She died at home in April of 2000 under the federal hospice program. No hospitals for her, she hated the idea of that. Four months later I moved to a different state. I had to get out of there.
Seven Year Cycle age 49 – Moved to a different state, death of mom and govt. woes.
Seven Year Cycle age 50 – 56.
I squared away things with the government with an offer in compromise, which they accepted. It cost me 5K per agency in cash. I think I got off easy. After one year in the state I was compelled from within to check out the trufax.org website. There I found on the front page the beginning words ‘Have you ever wondered…’ and began to read the first beginning segments from the Author. As the computer was booting up my astral body began to move/vibrate and I almost jumped out of my skin in anticipation. The rest is M5 history and I haven’t been disappointed. Next month is my 56th birthday (first week in June) and I don’t know what to expect as far as Saturn and Uranus are concerned. Maybe death, maybe a new start at something, who knows.
My incarnational perspective – I am not a Final Incarnation. I think that I am advanced enough to have been literally compelled to get to Val’s site and get in at the M5G ground floor from the very beginning. I don’t care if I wind up on the next simultaneous planet because when and if I do, I know that I will be a lot smarter and more advanced than when I arrived on this one. Spiritually I have earned the right to be here but no longer can I be spiritually lazy.
Work/Career – Not believing in myself has been my biggest downfall. Good things have always been for the other guy but never possible for me. Everything and everybody have always been on a pedestal, always out of reach. I have had to come to terms with this. That’s the real reason I did not go to college. But that’s the way it goes sometimes and I have learned that I truly did arrive on this planet with a bit of a deficit to work out and that work is still ongoing. (Loop).