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Life Story #39
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This story reflects me, an imperfect work in progress: conflicts and contradictions abound, blended with refined insights with a splash of humour. Onward and upward!
Is it easy to convey the information that whirls through your mind? I would suggest no, not for me at any rate. I now appreciate what the author and Monroe say about rotes; it’s not only hard to express in words but you end up feeling “well, why the hell should I attempt to express this in words in the first place?” Val has a point about this process being cathartic, organising thoughts to get patterns etc. and more importantly to convey this to other readers who were/are where I was. Now that’s something I would like to partake in – we all need a hand up now and again, and I’m definitely not an exception.
I touched-down on Planet Earth in 1970, placed in situ at a point called Scotland. Sagittarius ascendant, sun in Libra, load of planets and conjunctions in 9th to 11th houses (mostly 9th covering Libra & Virgo (balancing, relating and organising, analysis)) anchored by a major Saturn opposition in 4rth/5th house cusp (foundations, home atmosphere etc and self-expression, identity etc) in Taurus (consolidation, stability etc) to Venus in Scorpio (9th/10th house cusp) and highlighted by moon trines and north and south node squares to Neptune.
I popped out just 19 minutes ahead of my ‘identical’ twin brother, 6 weeks premature (for dyslexics, please do not read as ‘immature’ lol). We are alike to a certain extent from shared events and somewhat shared perspectives but when it comes to some definite character traits we are like chalk and cheese. He was not drawn to the information from the www.trufax.org website and Matrix V materials. I couldn’t help but not be.
My upbringing till about 4 or 5 was very pleasant but after this I was exposed to more and more fighting and arguments of my parents. My dad worked overseas, was ‘unfaithful’ on numerous occasions, my mum was very strong headed and held onto a deep anger about her own upbringing and abandonment. Another dysfunctional drama-driven marriage was being moulded. I used to think my dad was the telephone and deep down dreaded his return for a fortnight’s ‘holiday’ with his family. In those days, men held a control over women by limiting the money they were given for the household etc. Sex was also widely used as a control factor. My mum rebelled against both. Both parents could not see past their own ego’s and experiential loops; the batons were passed to the next generation. I threw that baton away when I realized it was trying to stay glued to my hand.
The themes of my experience have been mechanistically triggered by astrological imprints. The 7-year personal cycles provide a good framework for key-note events that have had particular effects on me. There are some major themes, which I will elaborate on later but the following will aid in setting the scene for the theatrical production of my life experience so far.
At around the age of 7 I can remember 2 main emotionally charged events: Archie Gemmill scoring a cracker as Scotland beat Holland in the 1978 Football World Cup and seeing my Mum trying to scratch the eyes out of my dad and knocking a chunk out of the living room wall swinging for him (and missing) with the big soup saucepan.
As I got older and reached 14, our family moved to a bigger house, what perhaps could be termed a ‘rich’ house in a deprived area. This richness did not extend to my parents’ ability to show their love for each other and their further fighting lead to further personal withdrawal for me. I also had the first recollection of fear of speaking-up for myself when I was at school and pee’d myself rather than asking if I could be excused to go to the toilet. I used my jacket to cover up the two-tone effect on my trousers; as the urine filled my trousers, shame filled my conscious thoughts. This cause-and-effect was a reflection on being raised by an authoritarian mother. Another instance at school occurred when I started showing symptoms of nervousness and anxiety when I started swaying and sweating doing a public recital of Burns’ ‘A Man’s a Man for A’ That’ (I was blind to the profoundness and irony of that to my astrological birth chart then); And at 14 I had my first crush on a girl at school and was filled with romantic notions of saving her from her ivory tower, when I was the one who was really needing help. Before all these events I had been quite a cocky little blighter as I was bright compared to the other kids and took delight in not hiding it.
Twenty one was a key year for me, I experienced a mixed bag which mainly centred on self-worth issues. I had experienced harassment by the local neds (aka arseholes/intimidators) due to living on my own and being seen driving my dad’s expensive and flashy car was labelled a ‘whore-master’ because I had invited a girlfriend and some of her pals to my ‘bachelor pad’ on occassions. All this was very innocent and I have to chuckle at my naivety then. This led to my first conscious powerful spiritual experience which deserves a section of its own, such was the profoundness of it on my impressionable spongy mind, so see a little later for that.
At College I passed my exams no problem, finishing first in my class for some subjects. On entering the job market I got an interview with a very large and prestigious global firm and got the job. My fellow class-mates were jealous: I was the only one in my year who landed such a plum position. At the time I didn’t appreciate what the fuss was. I was not focussing on a ‘career’ but instead was intent on dealing with internal expansion impulses.
So, at the same time as devouring books by David Icke, astrology and spiritual healing etc, I was studying for professional exams and walking on eggshells around a Mum who was progressively turning to alcohol to try and stem her arthritic pains and feelings of anger and resentment at my Dad. I was the only male in the house and I was the target of those feelings on occasions. I remember going to the shops to get my Mum her 2 large bottles of Vermouth every other morning before going to work and feeling that those serving me in the shop knew that I had an alcoholic on my hands. I felt embarrassed. This distracted me from my studies and I successfully failed every attempt at those professional exams and was nearly kicked out of my job. Instead I was moved to another department. At the time I didn’t realise or care about the magnitude of events surrounding me re my bosses low regard for me, but still looking back ‘someone was looking out for me’ as they say, and giving me a helping hand influencing those with power to be lenient on me. This was the beginning of a major shift from experiencing and expecting success to being faced with repetitive failure and expecting the worst in situations.
It was around the age of 21 that I saw David Icke being interviewed on the Wogan show in the UK. I had read his book “The Truth Vibrations” and was absorbing all sorts of information that I felt was aligned to my yearning for meaning. He was infamously ridiculed on that show. I felt an affinity with him and began to argue with Terry Wogan in my head to try and get him to see that David Icke was not a nutter at all! This was the start of an alienation process from the ‘majority’ that was coupled at the same time initially with attempts to convince these people that the ‘truth was out there’.
This alienation from others formed the catalyst for what felt like a reuniting with other aspects of myself – an ever increasing awakening. I would feel more and more tingling up and down my back and ‘washing’ over my body (this first started at 18 on seeing the news of the nearby Lockerbie disaster). These sensations were extremely strong and extremely welcome - they were like non-sexual orgasms. Calmness and relaxation would gently ripple and wash through and over me when reading, reflecting or just waiting for a bus. This helped me through these periods where I felt like I was on automatic pilot, just going along for the ride, feeling out of control, sitting in this body listening and watching the madness around me.
Around this time I also became involved with Spiritual Healing through the National Federation of Spiritual Healers (in UK). The test there revolved around ego – I used to ‘blow’ people away with my energy. I took this for granted and still wasn’t sure why this was happening at the time. I developed a reputation within the groups and fed off this energy to replace the dramatic void I felt from vocational failures and domestic pain. Two key points were brought to my attention by my hs: one was an egoic feeling of self-satisfaction and self-importance at an alternative health fair where I zapped this woman and she slumped down and nearly fell off her chair while I was doing a quick public ‘healing’ demonstration on her; and the other was when I accepted a remit to help reverse a guy’s deterioration in the sight of his one remaining good eye – I ‘failed’ to achieve the desired physical effects, which served as a key reality check.
Major shit hit the fan when I was 28. My Mum died and I ‘failed’ again to save her through CPR. I took this hard and it had a profound effect on my already changing psyche. Self-recrimination was replaced gracefully over the years that followed by a deep acceptance and gratitude of the roles my Mum and I played in each other’s lives. Automatic pilot was fully engaged at work while I was processing all of that ‘raw’ data.
Shortly after this I attended an ‘angel’ workshop hosted by an American woman who ‘channelled’ what she believed to be her guardian angel. I was told I was a “master”. That temporarily fed my dying and desperate ego, and fucked me right up at the same time.
I sleep-walked through my existence during this time feeling disillusioned and lost , physically growing ever tired of the corporate whore-mongering I was tacitly involved in, i.e. selling my soul for bits of pap£r. Feeling trapped, I dived headlong into un-medicated depression.
By the time I was 35 I’d decided I’d had enough of that shit, took a deep breath and proceeded to eradicating some limiting ‘habits’, the biggest and baddest being smoking cigarettes. I treated myself to Matrix V Gold Edition and read this profound book gradually over a period of time, allowing and welcoming the electric ripples and currents of recognition to pulse, shiver and shake my body. Bloody good stuff. This coincided with a time of gradual self-assertiveness and self-belief.
The rocky road was now consciously laid out in front of me. It wasn’t a case of choosing which way to go, but an impulsive recognition that the only way was forward, whatever may be encountered. And so that is where I am going as I type this.
Waking-Up
This started at about 18 when I began college, living with my pet dog in my father’s house. Reports of the Lockerbie disaster started the electrical re-wiring inside my body. Tingling sensations under the skin would pleasingly wash over me; very relaxing and energising. I gradually learned to bring this on at will utilising the breath.
This was later accelerated by exposure to David Icke’s book “The Truth Vibrations” in ‘90 and seeing him being ridiculed on the Terry Wogan show down in England. As I have said earlier, I felt an affinity with him and read all of his books eagerly, sifting through his material and sometimes passing-over some of the incredible detail (e.g. that found in Robots Rebellion) that I felt was not necessary for me to read. From this, exposure to astrology, spiritual healing, tarot, reiki etc took me down paths that my friends and family thought were strange. My siblings know I have always been stridently independent. I drifted away from friends as things in common became sparser.
Major Spiritual Experiences
When I was about 20 or so, I was having a lot of hassle with local Neds (12-16 yr olds) who knew I was living on my own and therefore was a target for harassment. Windows & doors were continually banged one afternoon in a crescendo of intimidation for me and good fun for them. I did not confront them – I was scared I would get a kicking and/or windows/glasses would be panned-in (i.e. smashed). Avoiding confrontation (major experiential loop for me re childhood trauma), I phoned some friends, who came in the back door, saw the situation, went out the front, grabbed one of the neds, brought him in and threatened him (the threat was false but looked real of course), he shat it and started crying, was told to go - the others (who were shocked) too, everyone became best buddies for the day and that was that.
What was important there was that I did not confront the protagonists. I ‘shat it’ and called in some friends. This all stemmed from childhood experiences with my parents fighting and me shutting-off the memory of that and sub-consciously avoiding potentially violent circumstances that could engender similar feelings of fear, anxiety and powerlessness. Does that mean I have turned into a control-freak? No, but it has meant opening my perception to dark polarity potential. I have defined myself in part, by deciding what I do not want to be.
The following winter it started again, this time with snowballs hitting all over the front of the house. I went out to try and stop them, got pelted with the snowballs and challenged to a fight (5 against 1- I pretended not to hear the offer), gave the arseholes a good laugh and a wee victory to talk about over their Buckfast drinking orgies (local best-selling tonic wine, made by Monks at Buckfast Abbey in England – you couldn’t make this shit up I tell you!). The pelting got worse after that. I was almost hyperventilating from fear and anxiety and cried aloud my anguish for “dear god” to “help me!”. Well, I immediately had the most profound experience: a feeling of ‘peace’ quickly but gently washed over me and through me from head to toe and in an instant I was calm amid the booming and banging of snowball/jealous-venom volleys (again the banging links to a major loop from childhood re parents fighting). It was so profound I did not even realise I had a slight smile on my lips and cheeks when a moment before was gnarled anguish. Just amazing. My Higher Self looked after me that night and stopped body fear from spiraling me down to undeserved depths: So at 21 I accelerated my quest for peace/knowledge/spirit. One avenue for this was the spiritual healing.
7 years later, at 28, two or so days after my mum passed away, while lying semi-comatose in bed in mid-morning I heard her calling my name from her bedroom next door to mine. I stopped breathing for about 20 seconds in shock and excitement, my heart was banging drums in my chest and out my ears. I got up and smelled her next to my bed, and that was that.
On the 1st week ‘anniversary’ of finding her body (& ‘failing’ to bring her back) I was sat in the dark, in the kitchen, crying disconsolately. I felt a cold chill down my left side and again froze and stopped sobbing. I got another Gordon Smith book.
I dreamt that she had came in through the front door and wanted to know what was going on; I’d said that she was dead; she seemed to be in denial (or was that me?). Depression sank in. Work carried on. The seasons and years passed. When I got out of that I was amazed at the ’lost time’ I had (or not had). Two or so years! Then came September 11th.
Major Heads-Up Event
That day I was down in the Scottish Borders for work and at lunch time heard the news that a plane had crashed into one of the towers. I thought it was a Cessna. Later the second crash was disclosed and so on. Later, as I was driving home I heard Tony Blair on the radio giving his “world in flux” bullshit speech, and fuckin’ knew the arse-wipes had gone and done it. Got home and started to see the brainwashing and traumatising the media had bush-wacked the masses into drooling over. I re-read some David Icke books, and it hardened my resolve.
Another time I knew straight away that the lying bastards were up to their arses in shit was when Diana was murdered. The Oscar/Bafta-winning film on release at present, “The Queen” is just a grotesque piece of gut wrenching sickeningly blatant propaganda. The actress ‘Dame’ Helen Mirren has great tits I thought, but now all she is one big fucking tit. The Bafta’s-schmafta’s!
I remember seeing queenie at Glasgow’s Central station in 1991 when I was in my last year at college. What a horrible wee wumin! (check out their eyes – a shite for shore eysh as Sean would shay) Red carpet treatment and everything for Lizzie; by that time I was reading David Icke’s books.
Last year, in 2006, major experiential loops came out of hibernation to remind me of unresolved crap to do with self-esteem, unresolved childhood trauma (akin to post traumatic stress disorder) fear of other people’s opinions of me blah,blah,blah, yada yada yada… you get the picture! This started to brew up from when I took a ‘year out’ i.e. quit my shitty job with arsehole employers, to get fit and strong both physically and mentally/emotionally. Not surprisingly, an astrological analysis of that time highlighted this – 2006 Pluto conjunction of Ascendant.
At that point, I could barely sustain my Monday to Friday existence at work – I was running on empty and feeling completely drained. Looking back from a refreshed perspective I was not prepared to claim my own energy. I was timid, scared and apathetic, which was a throw-back to continually failing professional exams from my 1st job: 6 years worth of shit from the age of 21.
I received Matrix V Gold Edition in the spring of ‘05 and had set myself the target of saving some dough for a time-out. Within a month I won £3.5k on a lotto syndicate and added this to my savings, calculating when I could give in my 3 months notice to those that employed me. On my last day of work I was offered positions with 2 clients and politely and gratefully knocked these back (but kept them on back-burner). I was so pissed-off with my ‘vocation’ and knew I needed to re-charge my batteries and reclaim my perspective.
From mid January I felt the insidious tentacles of various ‘neighbours’ attentions, them noticing that my car was still parked outside my house after the new year holidays and I was not playing the 9 to 5 game anymore, gossiping started. This was not something ‘new’ : My face/body is what would be considered attractive to females and I’m sure they were craving to know why I wasn’t hooked-up with a ball ‘n’ chain female, with them subconsciously and hormonally lusting at vibrant male energy so close to home. This had fed my ego somewhat and this was acknowledged but over-ridden by spirit id perspective.
From February to the beginning of summer I had injured my back overdoing it (?) at the gym. A persistent pill-free pain-management crash-course was undertaken. All associated emotional pre-cursors were brought out to the fore: stress, tension and frustration naturally conspired to crush my sciatic nerve (LOL). Added to this I experienced an unrelenting pain in my groin/testicles that struck fear in me – did I have cancer? This was coupled with an increase in sexual energy and corresponding desire resulted in my increased use of free porn (crucial bit coming up) on the internet to wank-off (masturbate) to obtain temporary ‘release’ but false and empty relief. There was an unwillingness on my part at that time to cultivate it or to get involved with any female to give it away.
‘Free’ internet porn includes insidiously placed images of under-age porn, seeded (I am sure) to subconsciously cultivate the male body lust/power agenda over perceived powerless entities (i.e. kids!). To someone lacking in power and angry at apparently not being able to reclaim it, this was subconscious/body manna from heaven – my pc was now a potential honey-pot for dark desires and alleviation of stresses I didn’t know how to handle maturely (from sprit/hs). This seeding helps the agenda of creating and snaring ‘deviants’ i.e. paedophiles. In the UK, the worst things a person can be accused of are terrorism and paedophilia. Since I do not have a tan, I am not a terrorist (well, maybe only during summer). So a single guy living alone in a terraced block of houses on a ‘deprived’ (describes the ‘humans’ more than the economic area!) council estate who keeps himself to himself and sticks out as different to the sheeple surrounding him, (gasp of air!) MUST be a weirdo, a deviant, a paedophile, or a ‘poof’ at least.
To add fuel to the fire I partook in voyeurism of 2 female neighbours to alleviate my frustrations. I felt that if they were gossiping/watching me, I’ll watch them! I was ‘caught’ briefly ‘looking out my window’ (since when was it a crime to look out of your window?) by one of them one time. She may have low self-esteem (been there myself for a long time) coupled with a decent level of media-programming and put two and two together and suspected I was looking at her young daughter. A week after this, and of frantic gossiping/panic I had the pseudo-word “pedo” written on the dust on the back windscreen of my car (spelling is not their forte). About 3 days worth of passing neighbours and others had the opporchancity to notice this before I noticed it before going into a carwash. Meanwhile I was laid-up due to back problems and hadn’t ventured out my front door.
I had a reluctance to share my fear and concerns with others, but eventually I confided in one old school friend who I hook up with occasionally over the years. He lives on his own also and remarked that if any kids went missing in his neighbourhood, he would be the first one the lynch mob would go for. “I’m scared to even look at a kid now” he said; I thought I was the only one with that worry going through my mind.
And finally I experienced further physical symptoms such as chest pains, persistent pressure that I perceived on my solar plexus, burning mouth syndrome/ dry lips and continuing sciatic pain. The stage was set for intense paranoia, self-analysis and soul searching. This lasted to varying degrees from the crystallisation of their (and my) paranoia/fear mongering/ mob instigating from July of ’06 to the end of 2006 (so much for a great ‘year out’ LOL)Through all this was the feeling that I could get my windows smashed, car vandalised etc., the mob in full-on mode. All possibilities of how it could pan out lashed through my mind. In the preceding May during the feelings of impending-shit-comin’-my-way I found an EFT practitioner who I went to see on one occasion. It was during this that aspects of my past that I had denied facing up to came to the fore again. I did the EFT on myself since then for all sorts of issues, together with what’s been called ‘spiritual healing’ and ‘reiki’.
The major issues that came to the fore sprang from the childhood trauma of experiencing my mum & dad arguing and fighting, where my mum would try to beat the shit out of my dad, accompanied with a crescendo of screams, banging, smashing etc. Hearing all this from my upstairs bedroom with my twin and elder sister; and all sat on the top stair crying and pleading our little hearts out for them to stop their harmful drama/loop. This from the ages of about 4 to 14, resulting in repressed memories which surfaced in my early 30’s.By extension, and as a consequence of being exposed to this, I had a resultant fear of confrontation (major solar plexus chakra disturbance) and fear/aversion to violence, loud noises, unknown banging etc. I came to realise this aided my reluctance to commit to relationships and helped peg me down to experiencing low self-esteem and a lack of self-belief. Through time this went unhindered and habituated negative thinking and engendered agoraphobic tendencies where I would show my aversion to projected pain by being afraid and unsure of contact with other people - I perceived them as sources of potential conflict which illustrated that I found it hard to negate the memory of panic attacks of previous years. All this contributed to a predictable ‘trauma’ of my solar plexus chakra/energy centre (which is an on-going loop w.i.p.).
I was never sexually abused, but delving into your past with the possibility that that memory had been honey-combed off was, of course, challenging but, by that time, that self-assessment and inspection was par-for-the-course/run-of-the-mill for me.
All sorts of shit were dredged up for my perusal. What a tremendous experience! The change in me now from where I was at then is stark to say the least. My connection to my hs is stronger, fear has diminished, ‘psychic’ impulses are recognised and acted on and not dismissed any more, energy levels have increased. Self-esteem & recognition are on an ascending spiral as a natural by-product of these. The ‘refining fire’ of the spirit is incinerating the crap from my energy field just as a cardio workout burns the fat from your physical body.The individuated/aspected ’me’ writing these words is very grateful to my hs. I understand what the Author of the M5 materials said about the rocky road and the treasures (of the spirit) available to the body through assimilating this journey. Hard to put into words. But I am still shovelling shit as I write this; gettin’ stronger and gettin’ bored with this shit. I’m going in the right direction.
Light and dark polarity elements of experienceI took the ‘lightsider’ viewpoint during my 20’s and early 30’s but knew that it was nothing but a new religion. I would observe people in the NFSH (National Federation of Spiritual Healers in the UK) talking about avatars, St Germaine etc. etc. and it just didn’t sit easy with me at all. So I left the meetings from then, did reiki I &II, felt the same shit surrounding that and went my own way. The MVGE materials blew apart the box I had existed in but didn’t know (i.e. ‘false summit’ et al). Light polarity was recognised for what it was.
I took on a bit of the dark when last year I delved into the depths of free online porn. Was I a paedophile? Could the people accusing me see something in me I couldn’t? Was I controlling? Was I an energy vampire? And by extension, was I turning into a controlling sexual ‘deviant’? Was I possessed by dark astral ‘entities’/arseholes? Was this my true nature? All sorts of percussional shit banged through my mind accompanied by a pretty decent orchestra playing “Paranoia”.From exploring the dark potential within me, I have been able to observe the dark sides of those accusing me. I have seen the mob mentality, the smallness of people’s consciousness, the incorrect labelling of the masses as “human”, just how unconscious people are. My feeling of separation was complete. I felt content. I could not be a part of that ‘collective’: A disgusting quagmire of insidious internal inadequacy masquerading as external pretentious showmanship, bolstered and justified by a programmed suspicion for those not joining in (thank Christ I stopped smoking). Even over the last few weeks I have noticed a change in me, gradual and stuttering at first but consistent in its direction. I do not give a toss what anyone thinks of me and this is very empowering to feel (and type), however, I still have some body/emotional tension ‘clues’ when I think of violence/confrontation possibilities. I feel these are gradually diminishing; I know I am going in the right direction here. One recent indicator of residual imprint was when I witnessed a woman being quite assertive and outspoken (though justifiably) at a meeting at the place where I do some work. I felt myself almost instantly curtailing my breathing pattern (as if holding my breath, with very shallow breathing) and starting to tremble! Wow, a very poignant reminder that I have remaining engrained triggers to target.
I am now in the process of using the emotional fire noted in the MVGE books. I would not have known how to handle that had it not been for the experiences drawn to me by my hs. Anger can be a powerful and driving emotion if handled strongly and I’m in the process of bringing this to balance at the moment. Minor loops within bigger loops allow me to consciously refine this gradually. For example, some neighbours looking at me like I was a ‘monster’ would spark anger within me; I’d use their actions and my knee-jerk anger reaction to bring peace to my situation. (Or maybe they look at me funny because I’m going around like an ape with a permanent scowl on my face ready for a fight??) The external (re)actions of others are doing me a favour in recognising unresolved and imbalanced emotional imprints within me. All this has been at the forefront of my daily life where I live at the moment but this does not overwhelm me as it did extremely last year. I connect with my hs during the day and always at night. My cuppeth overfloweth frometh thiseth (LOL)!
Looking back, that was a pretty good trigger to conform i.e. avoidance of pain. Fuck that. Well, I did acquiesce in part by inviting an old female friend (fuck-buddy) down for a high volume session just to piss-off the neighbours right next door to me (the walls are pretty thin). She knows how I feel about relationships and came down for a male sexual energy injection. She’s not your typical female which is very refreshing, but she is still very much entrenched in the game (I stopped trying to convince people of the charade that’s going on after starting to read MVGEVI ). After the sex I realised then just how ’fucked’ I was and how energised she was the next morning. So much for tantric sex. Full spectrum sexuality remains to be delved into. I am consciously recognising parts of ‘rotes’ (Ta, Bob Monroe ) on this i.e. about what will happen, my progression and reactions to experiences I am anticipating on having, but so far I have not got a full handle on this.
Experiential loops
Many loops weren’t an issue for me and I acknowledge my hs’s energetic imprint on this incarnation to arrange for certain gates to be open & closed to direct my experience in specific directions. Other incarnations of my hs are therefore gratefully acknowledged for doin’ the dirty work to change those loops into spirals from my awareness/point of view. I’m doin’ some dirty work of my own too.
Major loops that are lingering/pissing-me off i.e. unbroken ones at the moment:Sexuality
I had sex infrequently with females in the past and partake to a limited degree at the moment. It took until I was 23 to pop my cherry with a female (human, LOL); part of this was to do with being totally taken aback by female game-playing and by the fact that I couldn’t retract my (tight) foreskin until I was 21: It was a freezing cold Scottish night and I was out drinking with my pals and had to go and pee outside. I was astonished to feel a very unusual cold sensation and proclaimed such with a loud expletive on looking down at a hereforeto never seen before helmet! That was the start of experimenting with wanking in a way that was alien to me. It took about 3 months of this experimenting before the feeling that my skin was going to rip subsided and my body got used to being contorted in that way. A very interesting experience. My twin sorted out his problem when he was 16 & bloody well never told me. Would my dad have told me if he had been around to offer sage advice? In either case, it afforded me a more mature witnessing and recollection of the experience.
The few sexual relationships I have had with females have never lasted longer than 6 months (& before that it was 6 (long) weeks). The last one (3 years ago) ended as I didn’t conform to the lassie’s 5 year plan.
I have come to realise that the first impulse for not relating with females was fear and insecurity due to experiences of a first love that were traumatic to my sensitive 17 year old self (Saturn opposing Venus). This has served me to a point in realising a lot of things about myself and females in general. It has meant however, that ’fear’ still remained the main factor and even though that provided an impulse for leading a single life, it still cast it’s draining shadow on me. I am in the process of reclaiming that power back and telling the ‘fear’ to fuck-off. I think that means some het activity to finally drum in to me the drain of het involvement. Again a w.i.p.
Anyway, when surfing for porn I have noticed that I have ‘appreciated’ some she-male and ‘gay’ pics. There are still some DNA blocks resilient to my conscious efforts, which I acknowledge but I do feel a gradual tidal progression in line with what my hs knows I can handle. I feel a great sense of anticipation which I have never consciously felt before as a mature adult. The ride continues and I am opening my eyes (they water sometimes) and breathing deeply.
FearNot victimhood as I broke the back of that in my late 20’s re my mum’s passing away.
Part of this multi-faceted crap has to do with perceived ‘guilt’ at being caught peeping/voyeuring at the blonde neighbour with the big boobies. I think this is a throwback and a result of being unable to relate to females but still being sexually attracted to their bodies (again Saturn/Venus inter-play). The fear comes from the ramifications of being labelled a ‘pedo’ in this day and age. I have transmuted that into anger at various stages and from then gradually to balance through acceptance. As noted elsewhere, the process is well underway and ongoing presently.
I am aware that fear is just a habitual behaviour. When you’re in the depths of depression, which I was after my mum popped her clogs and was stepping in and out of during my 20’s vocationally, fear seems to be the name of the air you breathe. It energises all your actions, or more correctly inactions, in such an all pervasive way that that energy signature of the way you act/hold yourself/behave becomes (or over-comes) you. So you act out of fear, timidity becomes second nature, avoidance of confrontation becomes a guiding light. I think all this is necessary for an hs to experience in whatever incarnations and situations can be beneficial as a springboard for current/further incarnation(s) to decide what it does not want to be. Seems to be one of the themes for this incarnation.For all the progress I feel I have made, I still struggle with the fear issue. It is the one that weighs most heavily on my mind. Almost every single day of last year I would wake up and automatically put on the mental and emotional “cloak of shite”. It was an incredibly powerful experience. Looking back I think I was a prime target for astral leaches which I am becoming more aware of now. However, sometimes I feel like I have lost heart as my attempts do not seem to succeed and I do recognise that I repeat the same mini-loops within the main fear loop. These mini-loops centre around my past experiences which I’ve not yet reconciled yet on a personal level. This recognition and continued attempts fuel my every day existence at the time of writing this. I have not yet reached my goal; but perhaps this fault is what is driving me to areas my hs desires to experience in all its varied facets. My goal therefore may not be to my hs’s advantage, whereas my hs’s goal may be incomprehensible to this writer as this writer’s viewpoint is too concentrated on the pen/keyboard strokes and not far away enough from the paper/screen to appreciate the overall story of shim’s existence.
Time will tell.Law of Attraction
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out my repressed memories of childhood ‘trauma’ have magnetised events to help consciously draw the suppressed shit out of me. But it has taken me a long time to get a decent enough perspective above my personal theatrical creations to realise this to a much greater degree. I am glad I eventually achieved this insight.
Major Synchronicities
Three recent synchronicities of note:
Winning £3 ½ grand in a lotto syndicate enabling me to make a huge leap in my savings in preparation for the ‘year out’;
Having a nagging feeling to phone a woman who offered me a job on my last day of ‘employment’; and
Her own experiences mirroring mine.My year out lasted 6 months! I started doing work on a self-employed basis (I would have been too scared of going out on my own 2 years before if it wasn’t for being so fuckin’ pissed-off by the experiences I had being employed – was utterly tired of that 9-5 shit) for this woman’s organisation and found another enlightened female (LOL). Major life changing events were about to happen to her soon after I began working with her organisation. Planned major surgery loomed over her and weighed heavy on her mind. She said “God sent you to me”, which she said without a hint of drama. This woman helped me to get through the dark shit I was shovelling. My being there helped her through her surgery and the death of her sister shortly thereafter. Any energy taken from/through me was given to her freely.
Again she’s in the game but events unfolding in her life viz-a-viz recent accusations and recriminations by fear-based and innuendo-dwelling folks mirror my own recent experience (in theme) and are giving her a crash course on reflection in her own life. I am sure both our higher selves arranged for this to nicely fall into place. What a nice and strong woman. As Elvis says, ‘Hannay-ma!”.
And reflecting on this does engender the energetic impulses symptomatic of hs connection. Wow, the appreciation is welling up inside as I type this! I feel sorry for those who can’t experience this. Moments like this just accentuate how out of the water you are apart from the other swamp-goers LOL!'Battle' between body-id and spirit-id manifested itself
“When a person reads the M5 materials and proceeds with it despite body ID panic, know that the spirit is stronger than body controls.” – from the Author of M5GEI-III Reality Overloads & Body ID post publication material).
The body panic for me regarded homosexuality and the issues regarding my own repressed sexual encounters due to interaction aversion with females while lusting after their bodies. Even with the issues that I am dealing with I know I am on the right track; spirit is indeed stronger than the body.
I had never perceived this as a ‘battle’; the ‘spiritual’ side of things was where I knew answers would be found. Astrological imprints formed the themes for my behaviours. More recent events have reminded me that feelings of fear can imprint on the body and so manifest as body id v spirit id – with that I am entangled at the moment. If the spirit connection is not mature enough to handle it on its own, which is correct in my case at the moment, one strategy to handle this, I feel, is to use the body, e.g. exercise, body work techniques (massage etc.)
An early result of the astrological imprints was my interest in spiritual healing. This was moulded by my own early suppressed fears and the energies I was beginning to feel in my body. Taking the healing theme further, at the beginning of 2005, just before obtaining Matrix V GE Vol I, I bought a colon cleansing kit. This was later followed by the purchase of a juicer & sprouter and books on vegetable/fruit juices. I suppose the shit started to truly flow from there.
The kit was from Arise And Shine. This meant stopping eating shite and eating good-shit instead! It also meant withdrawal symptoms from the crap I had habitually eaten before. I felt I was not strong enough to complete the 4rth week. The shit was leaving my body and showing itself as flu coupled with migraines which was a bit of a bugger to smile through. And the mucoid plaque… aah, ye canny beat it J!
My body craved food to quell the withdrawal symptoms. The feeling was so very strong, it overwhelmed me and relented after the third day of the fourth week. Afterwards though I still felt brilliant, lighter, cleaner, more focussed. This helped me understand the body as a separate organism.
Three years before this I had my first of 2 out of body experiences - well, pseudo experiences The first I saw through my eyes while lying in bed at night, with focussed clarity even though I am quite short-sighted. The second time, I got up on my elbows to have a good look around my bedroom, realized I was partially out of my body and that it was ‘asleep’, astonished myself so much that I zoomed straight back into my body and awoke with a start. Other experiences of sounds, banging, buzzing, tones etc have been experienced as well as sleep paralysis etc. but nothing more tangible in terms of obe’s. As the fear dissolves, these may reappear in my experience. It will be more interesting from this point in my travels.
Progression of Life Perspective
Identity
My identity growing up was very much entangled with my identical twin brother; we both fought for individuality growing up and there were many arguments and some fights. After 18 or so we both began to accept one another and appreciate each other more. To this day we are closer yet more different than we have been formerly. He is settling in a new house with a long-term female partner, who is very nice; “you can’t be a bachelor all your life” he tells me. His path is becoming more evident to me and I will be there for him as he hits his a few of his own rocks on his path. As I type this I realise he feels the differences between us more acutely than before. Another interesting dynamic for hs’s to dip their toes into (human body’s being the toes [lol], the water being the fluid circumstances).
The first mature pangs of individuation from twin-ness came at school when my wee bruv started drinking and doggin’ (skipping) some classes. I never missed a class, was very absorbed in my studies and loved using my mind and apparent photographic memory to get recognition (another theme for this incarnation, ‘someone please tell me I have self worth’). From there and a move to my Mum’s house I got a room to myself and started realising I was not just different from my twin but other folk too. I felt strangely unique and when I was 18 thought I was a reincarnation of Jesus! I’m smiling at that now J.
This period impulsed me to stay with my Mum. She was increasingly being affected by rheumatoid arthritis. She was not handling a lifetime’s collection of anger very well. I was not consciously aware of why I was compelled to stay with her. Another field-trip was being set up by our hs’s. Over those years her verbal anger would be drawn out of her and directed to me. I soaked it up and subconsciously pushed her buttons to kick start some realisations within her. During her last year on the planet we had a closer connection than I (and I believe her) could have anticipated.
Death
When I was depressed, the best part of waking reality for me was going to bed at night. It was a temporary reprieve from a daytime experience, which I found desperately unsettling. As such the thought of death was more of a potential release during those times. I never contemplated suicide; at first lightsider thinking threw up the punishment of karma. Now I know when your time’s up, your times up. I hope to be reconciled with myself before that time and have experienced a decent period of time feeling empowered and content which, at the moment, are experiences too fleeting and far apart. Apart from the lightsider influence, no other dogmatic beliefs have polluted my views and since my late teens I have known that my awareness would continue if my body were to die. The thought of that was not scary at all; it was just natural to expect this to be the case.
Other game playing perspectives have not held any lingering hold on me at all. The big kicker for me was the f word (fear). Other specific gamer issues/details were just superfluous to me compared to that and did not hold any emotional barriers to their recognition, procession or resolution. Just as agoraphobia may be incomprehensible to some people, the following were not painful to meet head-on:
The Media
Not much to say about this. Gradually from the early 90’s to date, the media, and more importantly their handlers, have shown their cards more and more. Whores is a word that springs to mind.
Politics
Different faces through the years, same manoeuvring and game playing for the benefit of the paying public. Same shit, different arseholes sums it up.
Aliens
From a non-body perspective, this is boring bollocks too. Different bodies, same arseholes, sums this up. Many agenda’s that may come to fruition here but predictable mass manipulation and reactions can be foreseen easily from this.
Government
Power hungry people gorging themselves on the fruits of the sheeple. Some notable exceptions but these are of no consequence to the agenda.
Genders
I didn’t really appreciate the differences between genders until the last year or so. The Author’s passages in MVGE really hit home & I was seeing them brought to life before my eyes in obvious displays of female inadequacy. ‘How could I have never seen this before?’ was my startled question to myself.
Religion
This was not an issue for me. The convoluted practicalities for me never enticed my attentions. I knew there was something else to it from a young age (about 10) and church-going and hymn-singing were not for me.Addictions
I was a late bloomer in a lot of things and smoking was one of them. I sparked my first ciggie before I popped my cherry. This was at age 20 during my time at college. Through my depressing twenty’s I used smoking more and more as a crutch. The act of breathing in to relieve feelings of stress was perverted by the toxins I was inhaling. After 30 I was more and more disgusted with myself. I read a book called ‘Alan Carr’s Easy Way’. It took me a year to finish, and it was a small book! I went to a 4 hour course and smoked my last fag, threw the rest away with my lighter in a triumphant moment (that I am reliving as I type this) that really started the ball rolling for me in discarding other shit I didn’t want any more. I just knew that if I didn’t stop my body would be seriously fucked – I could feel tightness in veins and major blood vessels, decreasing lung capacity and I looked pale and ghostly. I also knew that if I had ‘failed’ I would beat myself up continually over it. So I prepared myself very thoroughly for that year beforehand. What I did that fateful day was a defining moment for my self-belief.
Male/Female issues
When I was 27 I started a course in clinical aromatherapy massage after getting successfully treated by it for back pain. I was the only male in a class of about 9. I remember the females were all very shy and scared of me to begin with, and in those days I felt it was my duty to put these women at their ease, so acquiescence was the theme of my tactics for the duration of the course. I remember saying to one of the girls that “women these days are acting more like men than men” (aggression/predatory etc.) The lassie could not see where I was coming from. Some of the women had been abused by (ex) partners and I feel I may have helped them feel comfortable in a potentially intimate scenario with a male (semi-naked).
Dreams
I remember one vivid dream where I was looking at earth from space & listening to someone telling/showing/teaching me things. I do not recall the detail but the images were very powerful to recall.
Conclusion
As noted at the outset, this is still a work in progress. Many changes occurred within me from many experiences out with me. And there are still a few more to happen, I’m sure. As every other MVGE reader will know, feelings of loneliness can be common. As the Author re-iterates, connecting with your higher self/going within is the way to stay steady on this rocky road. God, I’d feel so empty without that connection. In a way, I feel sorry for the plebs, but hey, ‘ye canny miss what you canny perceive, can ye!’ All the Very Best and a Golden-Goodbye to you all!