~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Story #40
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Although I think I am still relatively young (mid-thirties) to be writing about my life experiences, I feel I have managed to squeeze in a lot into a short time – it has been quite a ride so far.

At 16 my mother was still a child herself when I was born into a single-parent family in a post industrial revolution era small grimy town in Northern England. It was quite an oppressive, dark and poverty-ridden time with very little in the way of anything but the necessities. My mother worked several jobs to afford the rent of the small tenement apartment near the center of the town. My parents did attempt to formulate a ‘family’ by ‘doing the right thing’ and getting married, but it didn’t last more than a couple of years and my memories of my fathers’ visits are somewhat indistinct and full of feelings of uncertainty and trepidation. My father later made a decision not to see me or my brother at all in order to allow us to “create a new father” in the form of the second husband of my mother.

For me as a small child, it was very much a case of being ‘seen and not heard’ – a throwback from the Victorian era where society was very dark, controlled and conformist – a bit like modern times minus any attempt to fool the masses into believing everything is ‘progressing’ and that all changes are merely the result of circumstance. 

My brother and I were very much ‘in the way’, ‘a pain in the arse’, ‘under the feet’, ‘destroying everything’ and ‘costing too much money’ for a teenager (my mother) wanting to have fun, get drunk, party and have many sexual partners.

There were rays of sunshine and happiness that were usually the result of friendships and exploring and, despite my quiet nature, I had a certain popularity with children and adults alike (in some cases TOO popular – I was an attractive child and although my memories are not intact enough to relay it in detail, there was some sexual abuse encountered).

Physical abuse became the norm as I grew up under my stepfathers’ constant knuckle-rapping, aggression and general contempt and dismissiveness of my brother and I. Our mother did not intervene and was the target of severe beatings for several years until she finally had the courage (when I was 10) to get up and pack everything into a van and leave one day whilst he was out.

That day was a major turning point in my life and the biggest thing that struck me about it was the impermanence of all things – I was led to believe that everything was ‘just so’ and not to question it or try to go against it for fear of reprisals. Everything around me - the society I lived in, the way my parents treated me and the way we were taught at school was indicative of obedience and subservience. It is no surprise that I was a painfully shy child and spent most of the time around adults (or symbols of ‘authority’) feeling like I was ‘walking on eggshells’ and didn’t know if I was behaving correctly or not. I was also a very nervous child and shrank away from any form of confrontation. I developed traumatic skin disorders and nervous twitches which only compounded my misery.

My self-esteem and confidence was very low and by the time I was 9 had a very low self-worth and considered myself ugly, awkward and unwanted – in retrospect, it was a very tough time but I consider the experience extremely valuable. There was a very rewarding side effect of being so quiet, shy and sensitive – I became extremely observant. In fact my ability to be able to perceive the tiniest of signals from a persons’ subconscious micro-muscle facial movements and shift in posture, voice tone and eye movements was so developed I could ‘read’ people very well – sometimes to the extent that I could ‘see’ what somebody was going to say/ do before anyone else did. 

(I have understood more recently how those perceptions mingled with energy-reading have enabled me to be very effective at tuning into people psychically and using energy for communication and healing.)

As a consequence of the move away from my step-father, I decided to challenge (in my own 10-year old way) ‘systems’ that I believed infallible – one was that I had a threshold of ability educationally, and the other was that the kids that bullied me were much tougher than me and I couldn’t do anything about it.

The first I challenged by using my observational skills to watch carefully the ‘smartest’ kids in class and try to find out what it was they did and how they did it – the consequence was that I moved up the levels, quickly and quietly and surprised everyone (including myself) when I passed the ’11-plus’ exam with flying colors and therefore was selected to go to what was regarded as one of the best high schools in the region. The 11-plus exam was a Draconian societal tool used to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ and compartmentalize everyone into abilities that on the surface looked fair, but in reality was designed to ‘groom’ those with higher educational abilities to positions within the ‘system’ thru selective higher education. (the ‘Grammar School’ was horrific in it’s Dickensian similarities).

The second infallible ‘system’ – the hierarchy of bullies – I challenged head-on by going around the school and beating up all the bullies who had ever given me a hard time – it was more bravado than anything else but it worked and the other kids (and some teachers) tried to pigeon-hole me as some kind of rebel that needed ‘help’. I was becoming quietly confident that I could shatter firmly-held beliefs.

This was my first taste of what it means to ‘buck the system’ but now I understand it was my inner drive and impulse from my higher self to create paradigm shifts in my own beliefs and to challenge ‘structures’ – beliefs or otherwise.

When I went to ‘grammar school’ (high school) a whole new set of challenges came up which seemed to be extensions of what I had already experienced just with different labels and different colors – I was beginning to discover patterns in the ‘system’ and society that unnerved me and titillated me at the same time. I constantly asked myself the ‘why’ of things instead of the normal ‘how’ that everyone else seemed to be asking.

When religion was foisted upon us by the Draconian “Masters” of the school I asked why I “should worship god!” instead of how.

Looking back, it seems most of my childhood was spent observing everything. At play-time in the school yard I rarely joined in the screaming and running around and instead preferred to sit on a wall and just watch. I watched every last detail of what everyone did and said and filed it away in my mind with a whole bunch of question marks. I wondered why people did things the way they did, but had no-one to talk to about it. I saw certain things that would have got the family doctor worried had I told him. I was certainly curious about the world as any kid is, but I had a thirst I couldn’t quench no matter how many books I read or how much I observed.

When my mother married a third time to a soldier, I was given the ultimatum to either go to boarding school or go with them wherever they were posted. I saw an opportunity to break free of parental control and tried to persuade them that for the good of my education I would have to stay at the same school and live with my grandparents (whom I knew would be a pushover to manipulate into giving me a breath of freedom – unknowingly of course). I was horrified at the thought of boarding school and when I was forced to look around some, my fears were founded. I won’t go into the details but any period drama about 19th century England education would some it up – more of the Draconian darkness I railed against.

Interestingly, the very last school we visited was not like all the others – in fact it was more like a big house with a bunch of boys ‘hanging’ out and having fun – it was 40 kids in a school of 400 and very liberal teachers. Plus it was in a cosmopolitan tourist old Roman city with the promise of much adventure and discovery. 

It ‘felt’ right and I agreed to go there. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and freed me from home and launched me into a completely different environment.

At this time I became aware of my ‘struggle’ with my sexuality and it seemed a lot of the other boys in the house had the same struggle – we wanted to experiment but had to make it a game because it was still very much taboo and no-one wanted to be labeled homosexual. I was in denial about my feelings towards the same sex and couldn’t understand the swinging back and forth between male and female preference. There was a big fight going on in me and of course it was very private and I decided if the feelings were there I wouldn’t deny them but certainly wouldn’t advertise them either. It became a very private matter and the fumblings and ‘playful’ fighting and wrestling were addictive yet cautious.

Many years of surface heterosexuality with hidden homosexuality ensued largely fuelled by societal pressure – especially as it was the time when AIDS first became an issue. It was frustrating and I was scared and didn’t understand how what I was feeling could possibly be ‘wrong’ – it was much closer to the feeling I had been looking for than anything else – there was something familiar about it. 
After many relationships (including a marriage and children), sexual encounters and experimentation I am now quite comfortable where I am sexually and can tangibly feel the energies.

My first trip overseas at 14 was another turning point – I understood that those ‘foreigners’ also believed wholeheartedly in their own little system and society and language and that what they were doing was ‘the’ way for them. I didn’t fully understand the implications of these observations at the time and ‘filed’ them away for later use.

I was regarded by my peers as a bit ‘weird’ and by adults as a smart-ass non-conformist who was annoying in my questioning of things. I couldn’t settle for the convention and yearned for more. Like most young adults I wanted to rebel against the system, but at the back of my mind were a zillion accumulated observations that still begged answers that were nothing to do with trying to forge my place in the world – I wanted OUT of it because I knew there was somewhere better. Thus began my soul-searching through spiritual pursuits – through books, seminars and group courses. The people I began to attract into my life were what I later referred to as the “love and light brigade’ – immensely earnest and sincere people who believed they could change the world by spreading love and light.

It was the start of the new age movement and I got hooked – I read everything, attended every course and used every opportunity to flaunt my new-found ‘light-side’ beliefs.

This was during my art college days and also my foray into the world of psychiatric nursing and I believed that if I stayed on the love and light path I would find the world a less painful place to be in by self-sacrifice, giving and service to others.

Through my experience at art college I learned two very important things – the duplicity with which the self-policing system operates – e.g. – being told to express myself, but on the other hand being given strict guidelines and parameters within which to do so; and secondly that I really did want to see and experience everything I could – I wasn’t content to follow the normal path and wanted desperately to do things most people would find weird. Besides hitchhiking up and down England, traveling around Europe as a ‘pavement artist’, touring North Africa and getting into some very unpleasant situations, experimenting with all kinds of drugs and alcohol, I wanted to know what certain things felt like for myself. So, like a method actor getting into character, I immersed myself in certain situations which, in retrospect were either foolish or dangerous or both. Eating rice & fish heads by hand from a communal fly-ridden bowl in a small Gambian village or living on the streets of London homeless and begging in order to eat were just a couple of experiences I needed to have.

The main thing those experiences gave me was a perspective completely outside the ‘box’ I was (supposed to be) in. I found a certain power and invincibility in situations I had absolutely nothing to lose.

Whilst Psychiatric nursing I experienced the length and breadth of the human psyche from the highs to the deepest lows, with every kind of extreme and character imaginable. The hospital was maximum security and full of some of the most dangerous people in England – those deemed unfit by society – the crazies and nutcases most people just read about in the tabloids when they do something wrong.

Whilst my experiences in those institutions is a book in itself, space here does not permit me to say more than a few words about it. I realized the medical establishment was a complete sham. People being given highly toxic mind-altering drugs for ‘hearing voices’ or being in touch with parts of themselves the establishment doesn’t understand seems to be an obviously self-defeating exercise. There were some very sad moments and some very funny ones and also some very dangerous situations I didn’t believe at the time I managed to get out of.

It became time for me to leave when my cynicism about the ‘real world’ reached a climax and I could no longer rationalize how messed up everything was – it seemed all just ‘wrong’ and I didn’t know why.

For years I had looked at everyday things and pondered how strange they were. Feeling like an alien from another planet, I’d sit and watch something simple and marvel at the origin and ‘why’ of it. A simple thing like a queue of people at a bus stop would be a source of fascination for me – the orderliness, the conformity, the way people performed their expected roles with well-rehearsed ease. 

I took the opportunity to leave England as soon as the first signal came up – a friend having a wedding in Australia was my spur to action. I was 23 and I sold everything I had – ‘cleaned out’ – put a pack on my back and headed off to follow my nose. Standing in front of Edgeware Road tube station in London with just myself and a backpack looking into the dark scary hole of the entrance, I knew I had to go and I knew it may be a long time, if ever before I came back. I put myself at the mercy of my higher self and trusted that whatever happened would be the right thing.

What ensued was 4 years of the most amazing experiences, synchronicities and adventures I could imagine. Earning money whatever way I could, I paid my way through S. E. Asia, Australia, New Zealand and China. Unlike most ‘backpackers’ who follow a well-beaten path and generally do it from a tourist perspective from the outside looking in (because they know that they have a home and career to go to when they finish after 6 months), I immersed myself in the lives of the indigenous people of the countries and ‘ate from the same rice bowl’ in order to experience it as fully as possible.

I got so accomplished at ‘following my nose’ that things always clicked into place and I began to feel like I was traveling old ground. That I had been to all these places before and was, relatively quickly, revisiting them ‘quick time’ in order to find something. A friend and I had a song by U2 called “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” that we would sing to ourselves when we wanted to find each other – even in different countries. One memorable occasion was in Singapore. We had last seen each other in Christchurch New Zealand 6 months earlier and I had since traveled through outback Australia and through the Nusa Tengarra islands and Java and ended up, unplanned in Singapore. My first night there I went to The Quay where all the restaurants were and Andreas popped into my mind. I started humming the song and sat down at a table at one of the bars. No sooner had I got my drink than I heard “hey” in Andreas’ German clip. By now we had gotten used to such synchronicities so it was no surprise when it happened in Bangkok and the Caribbean later.

After this time, journeys out of body began and there was a significant increase in psychic abilities. I have been in the Caribbean now for a number of years and been through the experience of marriage, children and divorce as a result of the bait and trap maneuver ending quite predictably in a mess. I thought I would never get married or have children – it wasn’t on my agenda. But I learned some valuable lessons from the experience and am much stronger as a result.

My journey into an understanding of the true nature of this ‘reality’ we are in, started when I picked up “And the Truth Shall Set You Free” by David Icke. I intuitively understood the implications of having this new venue open in my life and was excited. I launched myself into this area of study with full vigor and enthusiasm. I studied everything from the wildest conspiracy theory to esoteric matters to health issues to OOBe’s and everything in between. For me the culmination was discovering Trufax.org and especially the incarnational perspective e-mails from an anonymous source.

The relevance of issues that were posted were synchronous with things I was working through in my life and so the intuition kicked in again after pulling myself out of the quagmire of marriage.

I had some very powerful confirmations into the nature of ‘the other side’ (or the spirit realms for want of a better phrase) that assured me of the temporal nature of this existence and helped me through the hard times when I really just wanted off this planet and couldn’t take the ‘discordant noise’ any longer. As sensitive as I am, I have had to learn defenses to stop myself being drained by the constant barrage of energetic noise not to mention the psychosocial, electronic and societal manipulations we are constantly bombarded with.

Looking back on my journey so far, it seems I have traveled some old routes and re-experienced some previous life events during this life, in a somewhat hurried fashion – like there’s a certain amount I have to squeeze in before time runs out - that each experience is a kind of memory of something I’ve already done but with a new and interesting twist.

The belief system challenges have seemed secondary and relatively easy to break, but the most challenging was coming in direct contact with the succubistic and manipulative nature of my ex-wife – I got the full works as if to rub it in just how much I needed to understand about it. I am very grateful to my higher self for allowing me to experience this the way I did – it really was extreme.

The ‘observing’ that I did when I was a child (in fact, through all my life) has resulted in a trust in my own intuition (which I now refer to as my higher self) but this was definitely blind-sided by the pregnancy which led to marriage even though I knew it wasn’t right and would end in disaster.

I am still living on an island in the Caribbean living what would appear to other people, a ‘normal’ if somewhat reclusive life. I work for a big company, I run my own business and I take care of my daughter and step-daughter 3 days a week and deal the best I can with raising them with an understanding of what is literally around the corner.

There are very few people I can share what I’ve learnt with, but I accept that as a natural consequence of the road I chose to travel and I understand how the experiences I am yet to have will also be ‘tied in’ in some way to everything else.

Ok, I’m aware that I’m starting to waffle now so I will end it here and thank you for allowing me to have this retrospective. I look forward to reading other peoples’ stories.