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Life Story #41
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For what-it's worth department, my journey into this present incarnation began at age two when I 'knew' or became 'aware', if you will, that this particular lifetime was not going to be a cakewalk. Born the fourth child of a German father and an Ukrainian mother in August 1955, in Gary, Indiana, I was squished between two cultures. The father being of a very abstruse "Heil Hitler!" mentality with brutal mental and physical ideas of raising children to be unemotional and robotic beacons of humanity, to my mother's deeply ingrained genes of nurturing and protecting all children. Problem was, my mother had no self-defense mechanisms to protect either herself or her children from her tyrannical husband. After 55 years of marriage, the power game between the two still exists. In current times, this type of marriage would last about 15 minutes, women being as 'independent' as they are and frankly, I don't blame them. But I found myself at an early age despising men and 'authority figures' of any genre. On the other hand, I instinctively 'knew' that unless I became a self-sufficient female, I was going to have the play the game or have a male 'take care of me'. No daddy buying me an expensive education or anything else - out the door at seventeen and don't ever come back! Maybe he did me a favor but then again, no love lost either.

At the age of twelve, I, along with my older sister and two older brothers, were extensively trained and groomed to play country music. Practicing five nights a week and playing every weekend in the lower astral levels, commonly called bars or 'dives', my early exposure to the adult environment was disheartening. No child labor laws existed back in 1967, at least the state I was residing in at the time (Alaska). Being a shy but highly self-determined individual, I was an outstanding student. My quest for academic and esoteric knowledge was utmost in my mind. To literally survive 'in the real world', however, I played along with the role of musician and flirtatious female and understood very well what my job was in order to function and literally survive. I learned how to disassociate on stage very well. This is how I naturally learned mental survival techniques in extremely disturbing and chaotic environments. This technique saved my life on several, life-threatening situations. Years later, I studied the brain and discovered how the mind/brain will protect itself from excessive mental/physical trauma. It's called the reptilian brain but thankfully it's there for a reason along with what is called compartmentalization. That is why trauma/mind-controlled survivors/'alters' struggle when these compartments are opened. This is very real and is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Having had witnessed gunfights (Alaska Pipeline days, early '70s), open sex, prostitution, out-of-control alcoholics, marriage at the age of 18 to a musician who was 20 years older than me (substitute daddy), and by the way, was already married (unbeknownst to me), from the dives of Anchorage to the stages of Las Vegas and seemingly everywhere in between, I decided at the age of twenty-one, music was not to be my profession. Back to square one.  I did know how to type! Waitressing also became a necessity.

Because women were expected to get married after high school (this is 1973 and having no post-secondary education offered or even remotely encouraged in my family), I wandered from job to job. In Alaska, there's a saying (as far as the availability of the men to women ratio) "The odds are good, but the goods are odd". Very true. Everyone I knew had, at a minimum, an alcohol problem.

Again, the message was very clear - you'd better take care of yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you. Period, end of story. I can't tell anyone enough of how this message was implanted in my brain, although I'm aware of repeating myself. Being young and scared, having been once again mentally, physically and sexually abused by men (once raped by two men at age 19), I hit bottom, and married AGAIN. My life story began to sound like a country song ("deep, dark depression, excessive misery" or an adlib, "She's single again, she ran out of men") I began to feel very uncomfortable in this female body. I didn't belong on this horrible planet. My intuition told me dig deeper as I would be revealed my true origins. 

By my twenties, I 'knew' the material and superficial values of so-called 'American society' were just that - but to survive I had to play the game. 

Today is no different from those of yesteryear and for just about everybody. What made me think I was different? Everyone I knew was just as miserable.

In between moments of utmost misery, I began reading Edgar Cayce, Ruth Montgomery, Jane Roberts and others as delving into the paranormal and alternate realities was my escape from my outer life. I never cared to take drugs or drank alcohol as I never wanted to lose control of my mind - my thinking processes. Yes, I was miserable but drugs/alcohol were not going to help me one iota, although they would have temporarily relieved the trauma.

As time progressed, in my thirties I was diagnosed with the most severe case of endometriosis my doctor had ever seen. I believe my case is presented in many major medical books! Numerous surgeries and years of extreme pain later, I investigated the emotional cause of my dis-ease. Sure enough, I found my answer. Competition. I never cared to compete in my life but America, (and the world for that matter) is nothing but competition on ALL levels, not just the career route, but sports, relationships, families et al. But competition went against my emotional and intellectual bodies (1st chakra particularly) and bingo! the disease manifested right on schedule.

Some of the surgeries were 'experimental' but in the end I lost my uterus, ovaries, appendix, had 5 kidney stones and stone-crushing procedures - yada, yada, the whole shooting match. Not to mention I became highly addictive to Class A painkillers: another round in the hospital for detox. Today, I might be considered an 'it', as I have no female reproductive organs. 

Actually, it's kind of a relief! But being on my deathbed for five weeks because of an infection I contacted in the hospital, I was determined to live - I had a mission and that mission was because I consciously choose to bring children into this world, it was my mission not to abandon them even though death would have been a welcome relief. Today, my body is functioning pretty much normal though the tissue and mind trauma is well compartmentalized - still, I care not to see myself as a 'victim'. Besides, who the hell wants to listen to a person talk endlessly about 'woe is me'? Boring!

During a brief career as a flight attendant, I witnessed very highly prominent politicians, big-name entertainers, business and sport giants and such that were not only obvious alcoholics but totally drugged out to the max. The first group included governors, senators, and presidential candidates. My attempts at conversations with such people further intrigued me as I found them 'hollow' inside. Empty vessels with no souls. It was simply amazing to witness. So my bubble had once again burst as far as what I was taught were 'outstanding' individuals who served and entertained our country to the best of their abilities and this is why they were 'voted' into office, on select sports teams or had music recording contracts and were paid millions to boot! Yeah, right. These people wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire! It was then when I knew that the common people were looked upon as 'useless eaters', 'cannon fodder', 'sheeple'; just give them your vote, your money, your mind and consume to your heart's content. Keeps America running, don't ya know.

By 1985, I was 30 years of age and having lost my flight attendant job because the airline's owner became very greedy and liquidated the entire business to his tremendous financial advantage. I, along with 1500 others, were thrown out of a job. Lost my house, lost my marriage and lost my son through a generic, do-it-yourself divorce and custody battle. Being a survivor, I didn't give up, grabbed my son, left Alaska, and traveled to Seattle looking for work. Living out of one's car (when it ran) was just another 'experience' in the 3-D world. Being a single working woman/mother, I was labelled as 'fast', 'easy', but broke so I was avoided like the bubonic plague. Therein lies the difference. You're employed - all is good. Unemployed, you're a bum. I was treated like feces in the business and 'human' world once again because I had no money - thus of no value.

I called out to the universe and had a heart-to-heart discussion: "Look, universe, I've had enough. I'm not from here and this place really sucks. 

I tried to play the game and I'm not making it. Now, I'm asking for your help, big time. I really want to go home - you know, the Pleaides, 'cause you know we don't have all this crap going on back home. So, as an ultimatum, you either help me out here or I'm outta this shithole". Yes, I said that sitting on I-405, stuck in traffic one fine day and I did have access to the means to physically destroy the body. At that point, my ex-husband regained custody of my son, and I never saw him except on rare occasions, for eight years. What the hell was there left to lose?

My distress call was heard. I met a friend from my airline days who directed me to a job that fit me to a 'T'. Didn't pay much and the men were still looking for an easy piece of ass, but it didn't phase me at all. My experience working with women (in ALL venue of work) was that I've never seen so much bitching and competition in my life! They were vicious! Damn back-stabbers and extremely phony. Very vain, all of them lacking in wisdom and any gracefulness of womanhood. Of course, I also thought men were just looking for sex and sports. However, to my utmost surprise, not only did I end up working with 21 men, truly professionals and gentlemen, I also found a male mate that was to become my companion and husband. Two boys and 18 years later, we're still truly happily married. Thank you universe!

So before everyone thinks this is just a happy ending to a life of an individual who doesn't belong here in the first place, let me explain my thinking processes now. My journey through illnesses, financial ruin, mental and physical abuse, and failed marriages were my greatest teachers. I learned the real world was in my inner being and that the 'outside', 3D world is an illusion, although it appears mighty real if you don't pay the rent/mortgage, whatever. Highly recommend NOT living in your car/street, here in the 3-D. So everyone does have to play the game to house and feed the body. It's just when we get so preoccupied (as designed) to over-consume and overmedicate, we lose focus. Not good. My ultimate goal was to work at what I loved best and be fairly compensated for it. This goal manifested, partly due to the Law of Intent and the Law of Attraction. No kidding, these laws work whether we're aware of them or not. I, for one, learned how to use them instead of bribing the universe 'cause all the kicking and screaming got 'their' attention but ultimately, it was up to me. I simply asked for help and the universe, being neutral, said OK, we'll help but you do the work. And so it became my reality.

I became a voracious reader and consumed every book I can on my interests and never-ending quest for ancient and specialized knowledge. These have included the works on the Pleiades, out-of-towners (aliens), Atlantis, Lemuria, Tavistock Institute, Montauk (time travel and manipulation), cloning, Operation Paperclip, Cathy O'Brien (sex slaves, she's right on that one, I know from experience), electromagnetic manipulation, weather warfare, 9/11 cover-up, the Illumaniti, Freemasons, basically hidden agendas. I've read the works of David Icke, Michael Tsarion, Jordan Maxwell, Preston Nichols, George Green, Nick Begich (too many to list them all) and New Age authors although I know the so-called "New Age" is not new at all and that there is a tremendous amount of mis-information and dis-information 'out there'. The fact that one has to discriminate is an obvious understatement.

The 'light-siders' need to lighten up. To go around thinking and pretending everything is just warm and fuzzy, seriously need to re-examine how the real world really operates. Not that a positive attitude isn't helpful, it is - but to ignore the hard facts here on Schoolhouse Earth, ought to say "Hey, wake the hell up!" Unless these folks are living in a biological-perfect bubble house somewhere, I'd say the new age crap only lines the pockets are those phony gurus and the New Age author's pocketbooks, not to mention the Illuminati who set this whole thing up in the first place, centuries ago.

I started reading Val's books on the Matrix years ago. I love the Chicago group, in particular. But, although the material may be highly disturbing, once a reader understands the message being presented, eventually another light bulb will go off and another step up on your journey you will go. As an example, in Matrix 5, Val talks a lot about women and their agendas in a not-too-complimentary fashion (but it IS the truth). He talks about male homosexuality in such a viewpoint that one would think it was normal. Maybe it is. I can certainly understand how men can find women revolting these days! I found it upsetting - at first. In fact, I threw the manuscript in a drawer for over a year. Perhaps I'm not an such an advanced soul as I'd thought I was, but I can definitely see where Val's heading on that one. 

Over time, I have absorbed the fact that we are all both female and male. 

I'm not a lesbian, but I was also extremely uncomfortable playing out the 'female' role in my life. Now I'm onto the 'game', so I'm become much more relaxed and actually revel in the stipulations still placed through the media on what our roles 'should' be. I laugh about it now and it's a rapturous feeling! It's all an illusion, yes indeed, it's ALL an illusion. That, was, in inside the biggest, hard-earned revelation bestowed upon my person.

In essence, the Pleiades ("home!") holds much fascination for me as does Lemuria in particular, along with Atlantis and ancient Egypt. Although I cannot consciously remember past lives, I remember 'something' about a golden age - where there were no wars, no disease, knowledge was highly esteemed and destroying a planet through pollution and overpopulation was unthinkable. Every aspect of life was in balance. The Georgia Guidestones ring a bell, though many believe the message signifies a 'one world order', aka communism, socialism, or dictatorship. I don't think so but of course I may be mistaken knowing what the true powers-that-be have been up to for eons of time.

One last thought here - being deathly afraid of childbirth, 3 C-sections later, I bore three sons in this lifetime, fully aware that I had no idea on how to raise daughters with the current state of affairs in regard to the sexes. The oldest son is in the military and in the midst of war in Iraq. 

Totally dedicated to his mission through military mind control and foreign policy, he understands my position on the events of 9/11 and other situations that were manufactured to begat wars throughout history - he will fulfill his own personal mission on the planet - be it what it may and I accept that. I also turned my musical training into a positive experience and now have my own family band (husband on lead guitar learned from when he was in his teenage bands, one son on bass guitar, the youngest son on drums and me still pickin' and grinnin' on keyboards - we're actually damn good!) that entertains on a much different level than that of the lower-astral level of bars and taverns. I've also introduced my sons through print and video media the avatars that have visited this planet - the good guys such as Nikola Tesla, my current fascination. This man was an incredible gift to the human race and yet, of course, his technology has been negated. What I'd give for his frontal lobes (or would I make the sacrifice?)!

Now in my early 50s, my present challenge with my two youngest boys are the extremely violent video games that they are programmed for to become future warriors along with their generation. If anyone knows how the 'game' of life is being played out, I am at least one who has an inkling. I have lived it. In preparation for the grueling times we face as a human race, I have purchased raw land in a remote location as to grow food and provide a place for my family and selected others, as to find refuge in the tumultuous upcoming planetary and political show manifesting right now (endgame). My goal is to 'set up shop' before 2012 - I gave it to the universe and requested assistance on this matter. They'll come through - they always do, just remember to says "Thanks!" They love it. I have not given up yet; I figure I've gotten this far, I'm not dead yet, let me use my experience so help my fellow travelers as long as they leave their crap religion and other ideologies far, far away from me. If they are sincere in their own quests (very, very rare), I offer my insights. I don't tell anyone what to do or how to think and it is not my purpose here to do so anyway. But I can be of assistance to sincere seekers of esoteric knowledge, knowing full well I cannot do it for them. It's hard to have a decent conversation these days - perhaps that is why most Americans are truly lonely and crave contact with others. Been that, done that, still looking for anyone to discuss these issues. I wish us all luck on that one!

In essence, my journey has taken me through numerous uncomfortable and disturbing thought and physical processes, but my comfort resides in the fact that after my obligations and responsibilities to my children and spouse has ended, my spirit, and perhaps a new body, will be found in either the Pleaides or some such star system or in a much higher dimension that this barbaric 3D Planet Earth. And I thought I had graduated from this insane asylum long ago! Sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

I thank you, Val, for the opportunity to share my story.