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Life Story #43
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I entered the Game thru the house of Aries. My mother's parents were from England and my Dads parents from Ukraine both immigrating in the early 1900's.

Mom came from a family of 8 children 4 boys 4 girls. Dad came from a family of 10 children 7 girls 3 boys Dad being the 1st boy they were not going to loose him to a war so they delayed registering him and we never knew when his birthday really was. Mom's Dad had died the July prior to me arriving on the scene. Dad's parents were both deceased. My Mom's Mom was my only Grandparent and I LOVED her soooooooo much. She was short and robust and when I cozied up to her she was so warm and soft. 

A memory that has stayed with me I was toddling my Mom was visiting a lady she had me dressed in frilly panties that dug into my legs the top was cutesy and cold. I was away from them near the front door and there were stairs and this man was on the stairs motioning me to come to him. I shook my head no and went to my Mom to tell her about this man, a man she told me there was no man here. I wondered over the yrs if he was a ghost and now believe he was. 

Life from 0 - 4 was ideal my every wish was nearly met. The only child whom my Mom and Aunt had to entertain them with their dna to reproduce fully active. 

My Mom was pregnant with my brother I was 4 we were going to have a snooze Mom was going to read me some stories first. Pied Piper and There was a Crooked Man. While she was reading the Pied Piper my Higher Self shot me some rote [what else to call it?} about how I would know about this later on in life. My thoughts also as she was reading this to me how can these kids be so stupid and follow the flute. I would know about this flute later. 

There Was a Crooked Man. I came to marry him; thoughts went thru my head as she read that story why can't this guy straighten himself out? {It came to be a problem of trying to straighten out my crooked husband.} 

A few months ago I was lost in thought that day my Mom read those stories to me just prior to my brother arriving 51 yrs of observing her bow to him. The thing I always thought was so weird she would complain about her mother bowing to her brothers yet she couldn't see what she was doing. If I did mention it she always did dismiss my questions. 

I was six my parents and my brother were visiting my Mom's favorite sister who we always spent time with. Things didn't go well I think I took out my Aunts good china for breakfast and my Dad had let me do it and he was in trouble that night we were coming home there was black ice on the road and Dad was drunk and Mom was screaming at him. When we got home I asked her why she kept yelling at him and she said he's drunk look at him. I was standing close and in front of him. I asked Dad are you drunk and he nodded his head affirmative. Oh dear this isn’t good. I was sent to bed. 

When I was a month short of my 7th birthday, I had appendicitis I was sleeping with my Dad and heard my Mom tell him to keep an eye on me in the night. I woke in the night burning up and didn't want to wake my Dad I so loved my Dad. I lay on the floor as it was nice and cool. Mom came in and yelled at him that I was lying on the floor. The doctor came in the afternoon and I was on my way to the hospital. I remember them taking me into the operating room and asked what were they going to do to me? The nurse said we are just going to look at your tummy. My tummy seemed to be upset and I would always ask Mom to rub my tummy, so getting them to look at my tummy was going to be okay. 

When I came to I was damn sorry I'd let them do that. I can't recall how long till I remembered that I'd come out of my body and over the light over the operating table looking down and stretching my neck to see who that was on the table. I saw 6 people 3 on either side of the table. I was really stretching my neck hard because I was afraid to move. Something else had happened and over the yrs I tried to remember what was missing? I was 46 listening to a show on C2C regarding this topic. I remembered what it was as I was getting ready to go to bed. 

I heard this voice that said I would be OKAY I’ll show you! 

My 2nd 7 yr cycle begins. It was when I was 8 that my Aunts neighbors’ son died in an auto accident. Six months later I overheard my Mom asking my Aunt how the neighbor was handling her grieving. My Aunt said not well and this thought came into my head that if this happens to me I will be strong.

At the age of ten I had this riveting thought that good information about what was going on would come to me after the yr 2000. Would I be alive? It was about this time I realized to that one day I would die. This haunted me for decades. Where What would it be like to die? 

Eleven I remember this as clear as a bell asking my Mom why she never told me she loved me? Why should I have to she said. Wow! I said in my head and went immediately to my bedroom to reflect on what she had said. Another question I'd asked her was why I should beLIEve in this God he hadn't done anything for me. The wrath came. I thought I'd best maybe adhere to this wrath of God.

Did some time at the United Church My Gram belonged, and I went to Sunday School. It was doing time I was in a trance not absorbing anything they said. Day dreaming of what I was going to do when I got home. The first thing would be to get out of the ridiculous clothes. I didn't like dressing up. I liked wearing boys’ clothes. I got home one day and told my Mom that was it I would not be going anymore! 

I was lucky my Mom allowed me to express my observations to a point. They always laughed at my Gram when she spoke her mind. I asked why was it that Gram could speak her mind and I couldn’t. She said old people can do that. In my mind I said to myself if you think I'm going to wait till I'm old to speak my mind your nuts.

My Mom is pregnant again I'm so hoping for a sister but the call comes and it’s another brother. He is 12 yrs younger than me and I'm 12. I took over helping Mom raise him as Dads drinking is now really bad and life isn't much fun with him anymore. 

Thirteen and I'm lovin' life riding my horses and Mom never made me do dishes. Out the door to go riding with my friends. I was deep in thought one day not wanting to leave thirteen I was just having such a wonderful time. Expect for the periods that had arrived and I was horrified at this and the boobs. But Mom said this was just the way it was life was much harder for females. Looking back now I must have sensed the 3rd 7 yr cycle approaching.

3rd 7 yr cycle Fourteen moved me into the junior yrs of indoctrination and this was damn scary this new experience. More expectations/demands of the system and I was not enjoying much of it. Socializing was okay. I spent most of my off time on the phone with the school books parked at the door staying there till I picked them up in the morning as I went out the door. One teacher came to the house to ask my Mom what happened to me. I did hate school and did wonder what was wrong with me?

The teenage yrs started smoking and did some drinking but the body couldn't handle the alcohol well. But try I did. 

At eighteen I was in my bedroom and was running short of always having to help my mother and my younger brother. A thought came to my head. You'll give them another 20 yrs of help then you’re done. This woman will come into your life and tell you that you haven't been treated very well. She will help you to pull out of all of this. She did come along and she did help me on my road to empowerment. 

I met my husband just short of my nineteenth birthday. 

On our first week of dating it was Christmas Eve we were sitting in this bar enjoying being together and there was this couple sitting close by they were not enjoying each other and calling each other names in their befuddled state. 

I asked my husband if that would be us in yrs to come. Oh No was his reply! No it wasn’t my experience but somehow my intuition told me it would be his. 

The 4th 7 yr old cycle arrives I can not recall anything that hit me hard at this time. However what was to come was changing from the go where you want when you want to marriage kids…………

Married at 22 my husband was kind and didn't try and control me he did have a tendency to drink too much. Why was this? I would try to have conversations and share my observations about his family but the denial was deep in his family and in him. He was a truck driver and gone lots so I and the kids were alone a lot. 

Our first daughter was born when I was 24 she to an Aries wasn’t too harsh one child easy to keep up with the chores and she was an ideal child never sick would quietly entertain herself. I was not anxious to breed again and held off for 4 yrs then thinking it wouldn’t be nice if I died and she had no brother or sister. I always thought it would be me that died. I sensed a death. 

5th 7 yr cycle pregnant with our second daughter she being born in the house of Capricorn and yes she is conforming always telling me to be careful what I say. Two children much more work than one even with five yrs between them. I felt like I was being swallowed up in loneliness. 

1983 I am 31 my brother who's 12 yrs younger is now a christian and is telling me that this is the answer. I thought well I can't diss it if I haven't tried it. He is home for the summer and I ask him to have a bible study class. We do and study the book of Mark. I’m learning how the Jews don't like Jesus well I say to me doesn't seem to be a big problem that I can see now? The following winter I attend a bible study class at a lady's house. She is one of the leaders at the church. A woman who is also in attendance shares one day that her husband who had died came to her and stood at the end of the bed telling her everything was alright. The leader said she didn't know and that when she died she was going to be in the arms of Jesus. This woman’s story of seeing her dead husband at the end of her bed fascinated me. I was totally disgusted with this leader and how she dealt with this older lady's story. I was now outside this women’s house firmly in my mind I said never would I be going back this was bullshit and I was going to find this out no matter how long it was going to take I was resolved to find answers. Forgetting that rote? I’d got about after the yr 2000. 

When Dad died Mom asked my husband did we want to share living with her she didn’t want to sell the place and was too much for just her. We did move in fixing up the basement for Mom and us living upstairs I came to learn soon after that wasn’t one of our smarter moves. Now she had more control over me telling if I went to church she would baby-sit. No thanks! Join the Rebecca Lodge then I would have all kinds of sisters. No Thanks! I didn’t want to belong to any groups.

My Aunt and Uncle whom I love very much come to visit Mom isn’t home we sit and chat at the table when Mom arrives she points her finger at me and dictates what it is she expects me to do. She leaves and my Uncle looks at me and says how old are you? 12?

At that moment I say to myself how old do I have to be to be respected as an adult? I’m 33 and determined things are going to change. I did stand up to her but it is not nice to say No I don’t want to do that the matrix punishes you. I took the hits digging in my heels I was going to do what I wanted, eventually.

The 6th 7 yr cycle at 35 I can not remember anything earth shattering.It is 1988. I’m 36 I’m into reading and get this book called Sarum. It goes from ice age to 1969. I learn that that the priests and leaders of the churches are the ones that are taught to read and write and they control the masses. What's this? It was a book of fiction however it gave me fuel. 

It’s when I’m 38 that firmly take me on a new route.

The women whom I’d thought of at 18 arrived she was very helpful in sharing what one could do and not do to gain empowerment. 

7th 7 yr cycle begins 42 yrs old it’s 1994.

Around this time I find that this woman had written a book about her NDE. I was itching to read it but could not afford the hardcover copy. I did get a copy of this book and was thrilled to learn what she had shared. 

Another 2 yrs and my oldest daughter will be 20 the two of us being Aries did want things our way. We had many moments of disagreement.

It's 1996. I’m 44. Things hummed along in the matrix until my oldest daughter is 20. This is when life took a crashing halt. 

I was driving up to Costco and this thought came into my head what if there is an accident and there is absolutely nothing you can do, it is out of your control. 

I was looking at things and trying to figure out what is going on? Peoples carts to over following with items from Costco. What is this life about? 

My husband comes home from our lake property to tell me that our oldest daughter is apparently dead. Well I knew he wouldn't be telling me this unless it was totally true. I wanted to shred him his drinking had done this I'd tried to talk to him a couple weeks before, our daughter needed our help he dismissed it all. A couple weeks before her death we were at the lake and he wouldn't listen to me I'd had a knife in my hand and I so wanted to put it through him. He was drunk and I see now it was not my husband that I wanted to knife but what was making him this way. 

I reverted back to the bible for a couple weeks after and decided this still was a crock of crap and wasn't telling me where my daughter had gone. 

I went to this PH.D I shared my thoughts and feelings of the past few months my husbands family and mine how I’d felt and what I’d done about everyone he said the only thing I’d done wrong is take everyone’s bullshit too long. That made me feel really good especially when I went home and told them all I was done with their control. It was then; finally they all backed off and left me alone. 

I have had after death communication with my daughter. It was through my dreams. The first dream she had been at a party and came home kicking off her shoes she was going to get ready to go to another party. I said to her they told me you were dead. She said no it was a big mistake. Her hair in the dream was short and red she was wearing a coat that I knew she would never wear. I deciphered it to mean that she was still having a good time but everything was different.

Another dream my two daughters and myself had been out shopping we’d come home and were in the kitchen doing dishes and having a good time. I did laugh when I woke remembering the dream, we never had a good time doing dishes. I’d read somewhere where they will come to you in a dream and do something with you that they know you will enjoy. 

The most special dream I had: I was standing at the table the front door is open and I see my daughter coming up the driveway riding a bike. I meet her at the gate and she says to me “I want to thank you for finding peace in your heart”. I say Oh [her name] I have missed you so much give me a hug. Poof she was gone.

My husband and I were a little damaged from our ordeal of our daughter dying. He was still drinking. 

He phones me April 14, 1999 to say he's been in a head on crash and the occupant of the other vehicle is deceased. 

I think to myself Oh my! another event this one catapulting my husband into acute post traumatic stress disorder. I thought he drank before but that was child’s play with what was to come. 

The night before I'm reading Windswept House by Father Malachi Marten. I heard a friend of Father Martens say that its really true just was published as fiction so that it would be published. This would be a good one to read maybe I'll find out more about homosexuality. I’d read ahead of where I was before going to sleep a character in the book his name was Damien hmmm I'd said to myself why is this hitting me I'd never name a child this name. 

So when I get to where my husband is I find out the fellow who died his name is Damien and is born the same yr as our dead daughter. 
We move from my Mom’s house out to our lake property the swishing of the traffic at my Mom’s house is bothering his acute P.T.S.D.

Eight yrs has gone by trying to get him help. Workers Compensation Board looked for every reason not to help him. As the yrs have gone by his drinking as gotten uglier and uglier until Feb 17 when he slipped on some icy steps at a community hall and fell straight back on his head causing a fractured skull. 

I would think of leaving him and would come up with a blank. I loved everything about my life except his drinking. 

About six weeks ago it came to me that I would stay with him I couldn't leave he needed me he was sick with a socially unacceptable disease. I have had men make advances towards me they never interested me. I have not had sex in six yrs and will not compromise myself.

I have deduced that my husbands Higher Self and mine have had many lives together. We chose these incarnations we are gathering experiences. No sitting on the couch eating bon bons for us. He has slowed considerably since his fall. I always knew it would take hitting a brick wall to make changes. 

In the summer of ’99 a friend loans me his book Trance Formation of America. I also come across David Icke’s book The Biggest Secret. Did feel that something was bringing these books to my attention.

8th 7 yr cycle I’m 49 2001

911 hits I’m sitting on my patio knowing that this event is an inside job. Where to get data? I remember the book I’d read Rule By Secrecy Jim Marrs and went to his website joining his message board. This I didn’t know till just now at 49 my 8th 7 yr cycle it’s after the year 2000 this is where I find what I call My Matrix Material. When I read The Author recommended Trance and The Biggest Secret, I knew I was on the right road.

Rocky Road 

I can look back and see the rocky road was the route I was on but whenever I confronted the matrix it lashed back I was wrong I would dig in my heels it was the guilt the doubting that went on in my head. In grade 12 of indoctrination I had a teachers assistant tell me if I continued calling things as I seen them I was going to find myself in a lot of trouble in the future. 

During the yrs after breeding I recluse myself as dealing with other women and their children could be dangerous and I found it boring. Avoided groups close friendships. Deleted people from my life. 

I did wonder what was wrong with me. I didn't do well in the world of academia grinded my teeth at conforming. Being pregnant was a nasty experience and of course the women I spoke with all loved it. What is wrong with me? 

This incarnation has been immersed in drunks/alcoholics they are everywhere. Control is their game, I’ve told plenty to fuck off... and some repeatedly. 

I do see the road widening. 

Lightsiding 

I was disgusted with the darkside and wished to do something about it MVG helped in letting go of that wish apply the Law of Allowance everyone to their experience. One of my ahh moments in Far Journeys AA & BB how stuck in the human experience then realizing me to was taking it all rather intensely to! 

Pulling back I've avoided light dark but struggle sometimes with understanding if I'm empowering myself or feeding the polarities. I keep saying Val’s quote. If you know who you are what else matters. Matrix data is always what I' refer to in my head. I have skills I don't have to feel this way. If my head were in the matrix I would cry everyday. 

Law of Attraction 

Few think as I do and most like their illusion and find it disturbing when I say things that will pull their heads out of their ass. Look outside the box. Nope they don't want to. My mother asked me why was I so strange calling me Barbara it means strange. You might have researched what it meant. As I look back on the 54 yrs I realize how lonely the trail has been and I’ve always been alone even with the people around me. Yes I am negative because I’m pointing at what the dark is doing! 

Body I'd Spirit I’d 

The past yrs of MVG have made me totally aware that the spirit does prevail. I find my body panicking when I think of leaving the game but focus on who I really am. I know so much more than I imagined. 

I know who I am and know where I am going when I leave this container. Six Seven yrs ago I’d had enough of wondering and demanded to know truth. Whatever the truth is I will accept. Blow me away I did learn finding trufax.org was a delightful breath of fresh air… I’d been gasping for. For always it’s me and the Higher Self and times when I say Oh! We need this experience. Trust The Higher Self Yes! That is my intent. 

The Loops 

Prior to MVG my thoughts were how unimportant nationality, the family tree, and family were. It was not what interested me finding the real mystery to what all this craziness was about. I did a fair amount of delooping before finding the matrix data. But also there was more to go. I found I had many thoughts that I read in the material but The Author took it steps further than my mind could. I knew I was in the right place. The M5 with the Handbook the words that most thrilled me were “If someone is trying to control you tell them to fuck off”. I loved it. I wanted to read his observations forever. I found the Handbook a bit boring maybe because I’d delooped more than I’d thought. 

MVG has given me the ability to stand up and say no I’m right laugh all you like. I Don’t allow people to suck my energy. I have skills. I do love when people open doors as I have the balls to walk thru them. I also love <GASPING> people. Talking about my dead daughter as I use the term dead daughter. I know she isn’t dead and that’s all that matters. I have impaired egos. I say I’d rather sit at home with my dogs farting in my face then be with some people. It is me that has the dogs me that hangs with the dogs to avoid being with my husband. They converse with me more than he does. 

Haven’t been able to give up the loop of smoking. Nor will I be able to have sex with the same sex. I have given many hours of thought to this experience. I am sure I will not break this loop. 

Process and Dynamics 

The process/dynamics seem to be immersed with drunks and alcoholics there is a difference drunks don’t know they have a problem where alcoholics do and have to attend meetings. 

They have been throughout my life there was just no getting away from them. I suppose the Higher Self chose the drunks and alcoholics rather than the aliens, as I have had no encounters. 

One night I was lying in bed spinning my chakra’s and before my closed eyes was this picture of all these buildings they were brick red and the windows were all trimmed in white all the buildings were clean some were taller than the others. I knew if I opened my eyes the picture would be gone. It was a beautiful picture. I deduced that this was something of a report card from my Higher Self I was doing darn good but there was still more to go and to gather, I thought this might represent all of my archetypes or the components of me. 

What seems to jump up at me from reviewing my life is that in reality I’ve always been alone, 

That I’ve done a lot of standing back and observing. There is more of that to come. I keep reminding myself of the good stuff to come: