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Life Story #47
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My early years are a blur of activity. I had a healthy introduction to the world through loving parents. I remember exhilaration and intense energy of childhood. Running and playing to near exhaustion, then 15 minutes of rest and doing it all over again.
Things did change as I entered into my next cycle. This is when my parents started arguing a bit more… and this is when I had to ‘go find a job’ if I wanted any of those things that kids need so badly.

Age 7-14, parents went through a divorce and I started to spiral into a rebellious state of mind. 

Anything ‘institutional’ repulsed me, like schools, hospitals, gov’t facilities. I just wanted to be as far away from it as possible. This rebelliousness remains to this day. It played itself out in my earlier years when I would ditch classes and find myself riding my bicycle around town – knowing that all the other kids where sitting around behaving, and I was FREE… but it was a guilty freedom. 

There was a lot of anger toward my parents because of the divorce. I started hanging around some problem kids and started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I had problems in school, acting out and getting in trouble, lots of trouble, mainly for attention. Entering into my teenage years would turn out to be the classic awkward, uncomfortable, insecure mess that so many kids have to deal with. 

Age 14-21. My misfit friends were getting the better of me and I received a sharp rebuke from my father… something like ‘stop being a follower and start being a leader’. I remember clearly, the next day I stopped returning their phone calls and started keeping my distance. All I needed was more good lessons like that and I would have saved myself all sorts of headaches down the road. Problem was, those lessons were far and few between. 

After I began driving, I seemed to always attract parking tickets and traffic tickets, with no intent to pay them, more resistance to conforming. It’s true that some of these tickets were deserved, but others were not and I bristled at the thought of handing over my money, especially when money was tight. This attitude landed me in jail several times, usually overnight stays with a slap on the wrist. Eventually, in my mid 30’s I decided that the prison system was another institution to be avoided. 

During these formidable years I was intrigued by Shamanism and particularly Castenadas books. Although I couldn’t understand a lot of the messages at the time, I did find myself appreciating the independent nature of the characters in his books. Their living magic and impressive accomplishments held me in awe. Over the years some of those messages became very clear, especially the message of social conditioning… this message became a foundation in my knowledge base as I always held this light up to anything that I would be researching. This concept / truth and a host of other concepts would later be expressed, and in my views confirmed, in the M5 books. 

This was a period of meeting a significant partner from Europe. She was very sweet compared to the American women that I had been seeing. I later observed that I was always attracted to the foreigners and had little interest in American women. Gee I wonder why? 

This affair became a long distance relationship lasting for years. We decided to keep it open, yet always with intentions to get together after her education. This would be a fork in the road later on. 

Later in this cycle I was impacted by the death of a close childhood friend. This was one of those up close, in your face experiences that happened while we were riding motorcycles together. It was a stark reminder of the suddenness and speed in which we can pass on. My friend was only 22 years old. He was a bright and intelligent brother like figure in my life. This experience shifted my views of the world dramatically. Up until this point I was loose and lackadaisical about my future. I now felt a new respect for life and a sense of purpose. It was time to get busy and wake up because death is always hunting. I found a deeper sense of appreciation for all of life and nature. Most of all, I wanted answers. 

This event was a catalyst into more introspective studies, particularly Buddhism.

21-28. I became captivated by Buddhism and the eastern views during these years. It became obvious that of all the religions - and many would argue that Buddhism was never intended to be a religion – Buddhism was different. The teachings were relatively wide open and free of pressure to conform, or so I imagined. This view would change over time. This interest flourished over the years as I studied and practiced meditation with a firm commitment. 

This was also the start of a career in the service industry in which I would learn a trade and eventually start my own business.

Several years later, new career choices came into view. I had enough experience in my field to launch my own business which would last for a few years. This was in alignment with my desire for independence. I had no interest in working for a large company or being a part of any corporate culture.

The business was fairly successful yet uninspiring. I needed to find a satisfying career before I burned myself out. 

Researching new directions, I chose a new field and launched another business that was creatively rewarding. This evolved into a career as a craftsman. In this particular field of custom rug making, I learned more about myself in the process; for example I had artistic and creative interests while growing up, but they were largely untapped. 

As I learned this trade I discovered a rewarding and creative outlet. I eventually learned how to produce attractive high quality work. It appeared that I had the right ingredients to make it all work, if I could only get past the obstacles in my way. Years would pass before the roller coaster ride of feast and famine would come to an end. 

In retrospect, this period wasn’t really about earning money, it was about the freedom and time that I had available to play and create my own schedule. I did a lot of reading and research, it seemed that the business took a backseat to my yearnings for truth seeking. As a Gemini with Sagittarius rising, it’s easy to see why because Gemini’s tend to have many interests, and Sag’s tend to be truth-seekers. 

This was a selfish pursuit because I actually owed money to investors and my business struggled because I wasn’t giving it my full attention. 

This would correct itself in the next cycle. My Saturn return cycle was brutal. But it was also uplifting, and all about digging into the roots of why some of my limiting behaviors kept repeating. 

Upon closer examination, I discovered that my parents’ divorce impacted me in several ways. I felt anger at my mother for abandoning us, and guilt at maybe being the cause of it (this was not why she was left). My father raised the family; in this case I was 12 when the split occurred. His occasional bouts with depression had a big impact on my upbringing. In a way, he ‘checked out’ for a few years and there wasn’t much direction for me. Ultimately it manifested as a lack of self-respect, which led to occasional drug use and abuse. My mother chose to leave because she was mixed up in an affair. This led to the split. This was a real taste of abandonment that would take years to understand.

The whole family was completely dysfunctional. However, I will say that my father remained available while raising the kids. I suppose he did us a favor by letting us chart our own course and make our own mistakes. They have both since remarried. 

There were a couple of issues that would need to be addressed: One was self-respect, and two was abandonment. 

At the end of this cycle I reached two forks in the road.

The first was the long distance relationship that started years earlier. My partner came to the states to live with me and serve a demanding internship for 6 months. During this period we rarely saw each other. My business was struggling and I was immersed in meditation and seriously considering entering a Buddhist monastery.

As her internship came to a close, this was the time to make the move. Do we stay together? Get married? In the end, neither of us was willing to make the necessary sacrifice. We both agreed to move on down our own separate paths.

The second fork was the religion path. 

As I would cycle through my ups and downs in the business I started researching possible residences for training at a Rinzai Zen monastery in Japan (this became a viable exit strategy if the business didn’t succeed). As I did my research, I could see a clearer picture of the environment that I was about to enter. There was a feeling of having gone down this road before. There was also this little voice saying ‘this isn’t necessary’. After a period of reflection I chose to stay the course in my business and stay out of the religion game. I decided that my personal challenges can be faced wherever I choose, whether in a monastic setting, or not. No doubt there were pulses from my higher self to stay clear of this loop. 

Age 28-35 was an intense cycle. These years were tough. I waded through the emotional confusion of my earlier years and broke through some of the disappointments of my family life. In conclusion, so much of it was based on self respect. This flowed into many areas of my life and needed to be resolved. 

Energetically it manifested as a drain… and this drain needed to be plugged! 

The problem was there were so many damn leaks! I spent this whole period plugging them one by one. The challenge was keeping them plugged… I had to keep up the efforts and be patient with it. I’m still working on it too! 

There was little room for intimate relationships. Sure there was loneliness but I just went with the flow. Some significant changes did occur and I am living in gratitude because of them. After living in a major city in southern California all those years, I met a new friend who introduced me to a good group of friends in a smaller village a couple hours north of my home base. 

The law of attraction was at play and I was finally attracting some good energy. I’m convinced that up until this time I was attracting by default in an unconscious way. This is when I started exploring the power of attraction.

While visiting these friends, one mentioned that I might try creating a visual ‘treasure map’, she suggested I draw the ‘treasure’ at one end, then create several pathways leading to that treasure. Then along those pathways, add some of the things that you would like to manifest in your life. She said, start with pencil, then add color into it as you start manifesting those things. You don’t need to use words, just draw it in… 

This is when I discovered the power of attraction. For example my treasure was to live in that village and relocate my business. To my surprise, I was there within 3 months, everything fell in place with an uncanny synchronicity. I didn’t even have time to color it in this map and receive all the other goodies. So I started another one. This is a good tool for creative goal setting.
As it turned out this small village became the ideal setting to clear some of that old emotional debris. I quickly relocated my business and found myself in the midst of some healthy energy. 

I was exposed to a lot of the lightside books coming out on the market and caught up in that for awhile. This period was confusing for me because I was going deeper into the internet and discovering all sorts of disturbing news about government and conspiracies. This can be a frustrating endeavor because you just don’t know what to believe.

I’ve learned that we have to trust our intuition and most importantly verify knowledge as much as possible. Otherwise this knowledge can lead to a debilitating state of mind. And this is where ‘body id’ takes center stage. Personally, I have found myself fluctuating between Higher Self pulses of calmness and awareness to the sheer panic of the ego driven ‘body i.d.’ that fears death. 

It takes a good dose of mettle to absorb this knowledge and put it in its proper place – the question to ask here is: what is factual knowledge and what is mis-information? 

This holds true for all of the Matrix materials and the authors are quick to point this out. Kudos to Val and the Author for acknowledging this.

My only word of caution is to warn the readers to avoid taking what they read at face value. Our quest for knowledge needs to be ‘experiential based’ knowledge; it needs to be understood first-hand by each of us before we can have any conviction in what we tell others. 

35 to present… I can see that this current cycle is about new beginnings. After closer examination of those early years, there has been an acceptance for what happened. This allowance has freed up some valuable energy – there’s no more blame, no more being a victim. In the end, my parents did the best they could with the knowledge they possessed at the time. As I am more mindful of allowing, I find it much easier to let things be. This has been a refreshing break from my need to control. This allowing now expands outward into the realm of world events and diffuses the picture. There isn’t so much need to correct everything and a lot less hand-wringing. 

My business struggles have disappeared too. In my case, I have replaced this old pattern of poverty consciousness with a richer mindset. It’s simply about having a healthier relationship with money. Oh, and all those old debts are cleared up too… as I mentioned earlier, those leaks needed to be plugged. 

Through the power of attraction, I am now consciously attracting more of what I desire by setting clearer intentions and the synchronicity that follows can be fascinating to observe. The key for me is: implementing the necessary action after the intentions are set. Yes, it can take years for the bigger intentions to manifest, but smaller intentions are manifesting every day. 


I have found that my exposure to the matrix v materials helped clarify some of my earlier questions about government and alien interferences and obviously much more. I’ve yet to explore the earlier matrix books. The Monroe books were important background materials. I do have an interest in astral traveling, yet haven’t been very successful in that department just yet.

Here’s an interesting story from a friend in the advanced incarnation levels. He spent a few years in India training in yoga. When I suggested the population of minion incarnations he wasn’t surprised. He said, ‘That makes more sense to me now. There were times when I would pass through some villages and in the public areas there would be large tents and inside would be people lying around huddled together like they were part of a herd. They had this vacant, empty look in their eyes…”

I finally met a compatible partner from Australia, and we have since married. We had no issues in living together and remaining unmarried… this was a government mandated obligation. My attraction has always been het based. I have no problems with the concept of Spirit based attraction whether het, bi or gay, to each their own. 

Our relationship has been a great experience for both of us. She has an open mind and is willing to face her challenges. There is also this feminine sweetness she possesses that seems to have vanished in American women. An interesting note, upon closer examination via numerology we have discovered a compatibility that is unusually strong and cooperative. She has been a big influence in helping me to break some of my old patterns. 

In this relationship and all of my current relationships I am recognizing the power of mirroring with more frequency. This helps me determine if this is ‘my issue’ or not. I’m quicker to shrug it off if I see that it’s their issue. If it’s my issue, I’ll go deeper within and try to root out the cause. If I can share the solution, I do. If they’re not open enough to hearing it, that’s fine too.

In conclusion:

I’ve noticed a more relaxed stance since I’ve learned to slip into observer mode. Now there is an ease in which I face different situations, such as confrontations. I was always pretty good at avoiding confrontations, now I face them head on with a strength and conviction. I also use gold energy more frequently. This energy can be breathed in through the crown chakra and fill the body, from the toes to the head then gently rain down within the aura field. There is also a rainbow meditation that uses each of the corresponding color chakras in this way, stimulating the chakra centers and flooding the body with vibrant color. 

I now have little tolerance in keeping close ties with people who aren’t interested in evolving. This has led to a few periods over the years of loneliness. Now I find myself attracting like-minded people; it’s just too bad they are so far and few between.

Political landscape – I was raised a democrat. I was always hopeful that the democrats would do the right thing. They always got my vote. Upon closer examination, it’s become clear that both parties are really One Party. At the highest levels these power hungry men and women have sacrificed their core personal integrity. Recent changes in policy have proven this – who in their right mind would ever vote for the Patriot Act? There was a small handful that didn’t, they should be applauded. It’s clear that the Constitution is withering on the vine with little hope of reform.

It’s true that many who delve into politics are doing so in earnest. They really do want to make a difference in their community. Unfortunately as they climb the ladder, they have to play the game or get off the field. 

This political landscape is a direct reflection of corporate influences and their special interests.

Corporate personhood –It’s interesting to explore the origins of ‘the corporation’ and see how they have evolved. The original purpose of corporations was for short term public works paid for by government grants. This is how the railroads were first started, as well as bridges and roads. A corporate charter was created for each project under strict time tables and guidelines. When the project was completed, the corporation was dissolved.
These corporations grew in size and influence during the industrial era. 

As they fought for more control and often times their very existence, they successfully acquired the status of ‘corporate personhood’. Essentially this gave the corporation the status of a single individual, it also gave them the right to sue or be sued. This was an unprecedented shift forever changing the corporate landscape. Now they had the power to wield their resources in courts and, of course, influence politicians to do their bidding. 

Mainstream media – In the 90’s I used to read the Los Angeles Times. I observed how the LA Times was suddenly restructured. It was time to tear down the wall between the ‘business section’ and the rest of the paper. A new CEO was on board - with no background in journalism. Some of the editors in the business section were deeply concerned, and in fact, later replaced with compliant friendly editors. 

The problem was that this wall separated the journalists from the advertisers who bought ad-space in the paper. Prior to this event, they could write freely about these advertisers, if necessary, without worry or fear that they would be muzzled. Let the muzzling begin…

This is just one example of how the business side of news reporting takes precedence over old-school journalism. I have lost complete trust in mainstream media. For getta about it!

Thanks to the Internet we have greater access to information and, no doubt, mis-information. It’s the wild-west, enjoy it while you can.

Gender bashing or not – I have taken note of the gender segments in matrix v and found some startling confirmations. Where I live, I see a healthy mix of females. They come from all walks of life; hippies, yuppies, entrepreneurs etc… I observe them in some of our group settings and I have noticed that the women can be fiercely competitive and bitchy with each other. There was one female known to leave her panties behind so the other female doesn’t forget who’s in charge. I call them the Alpha Bitches. 

Having said this, I have met some wonderful females that have a soft nurturing quality. It’s a feminine gentleness, a motherly energy. They are out there… you can relax and smile when you see one. Yes, the hardened, controlling male can benefit from these reflections and tap into his own softness. It’s all about balance, right?

Higher self- I’ve noticed a broader focus on connecting with my ‘higher self’ via my crown chakra. These connections are strongest when I’m in nature. I can feel an affinity with nature spirit and I imagine my higher self sending pulses of gratitude to this spirit. Has anyone noticed the subtle, yet often hilarious, sense of humor of the planetary spirit? I see it manifesting in the quirkiest animals and their sense of play. Sometimes I wonder… is it possible that we had a hand in co-creating some of these quirky creatures in tandem with the Nature Spirit… then incarnate to observe and appreciate – after all, without the observer, there’s nothing to be observed. Maybe that’s a part of the symbiotic relationship between our higher selves and the planetary spirit?

Small shadow and the Collective shadow – If it’s all about allowance, attraction and balance, then we need to face our own shadow as well as acknowledge the collective shadow that has taken center stage. This is the crux of the matter, in my view, and if we are going to understand balance then we need to understand and most of all take responsibility for our own darkness. Own it.

The current administration in the U.S. is a shining reflection of our collective shadow. We’re allowing these thugs and criminals to hold office. We’re allowing the federal reserve to control our money supply, and they’re leading us like lemmings over the cliff. How much more money can we keep borrowing before we collapse? It’s only a matter of time now...The Shadow is looming. Let’s face it and own it…

Some challenges that I still see within myself are body i.d. and Spirit based. There is much more refining that needs to occur.

For example, my body sometimes gets all panicky when my mind reads all about the world events that are brewing… what to believe? I do my best to stay centered and neutral. This is that fear and doubt loop acting up again. It’s fading though… I also need to uncover more of my own shadow. 

My Spirit desires more expression. There’s a joy in traveling and visiting new places, and I can sense that it’s a joy for the spirit too. I need to play more and dance more, I need to let loose more.


This brings to mind the eccentric homeless man that I see on occasion. He’s a riot of color, with flowers pinned on his hat and all over his bicycle. His clothing is all patchwork and beads and scarves. He pulled up a chair next to me outside the coffee shop. His arrival was energetically uplifting. I smiled at him with a shake of the head thinking… now this is spirit!